BIG DOGS: Irish Elk pursued by Dire Wolves (painting by Znedek Burian)

I was walking through a field on a brightly moonlit night. It was beautiful and very peaceful. I could hear music, and it took me a bit to figure out the song I was hearing: 'I Only Have Eyes For You'.

As I crossed the field, the grass became taller. I didn't think much of it, at first, but as I continued on the tall grass became a wooded area. I started to get uneasy; I've had dreams like this before where everything started out by lulling me into a false sense of security.

Unfortunately, this was to be one of those dreams. For some reason, I didn't wake myself up. I kept going. The music remained disturbingly soothing, in stark contrast to the unsettling changes in my surroundings.

I wound up by the edge of a river. Looking down, I noticed a mother duck swimming towards me with a brood of ducklings in tow. They came out of the water and waddled past me into the woods. They were leaving web-prints behind on the dirt.

I followed the prints with my eyes over to a huge puddle of blood. The severed legs of a very large deer were lying there. When I finally saw the body of the deer in the moonlight, I was certain it was dead. To my horror, I realized it was not.

It struggled obscenely to stand and rolled right into the river, which immediately morphed from a peaceful, gently flowing entity into a raging torrent. Gentle eyes wide and rolling in terror, the deer bleated with heartbreaking earnest while it fought to keep it's head above water.

I sobbed uncontrollably, watching helplessly. The deer choked and sputtered and bawled pitifully for help as it was swept downstream to certain death. Such a horrific end for such a gentle creature. I was devastated that I couldn't save it. Suddenly, the river vanished. The silence was deafening.

I was left standing in a deserted playground, swings moving slightly, eerie echoes of children vanishing into thin air. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end; my mind violently struggled to awaken to protect me from any further trauma.

I scanned the playground. Two little tennis shoes were sticking out of the side of a sandy bluff. I launched myself forward at a dead run and frantically clawed at the sand with my bare hands. The little feet were still moving. The faster I clawed the sand out, the more filled back in. I was beyond hysterical at this point, breathless with sobs of frustration and exhausted beyond anything. I suddenly woke up, my face wet with tears.

My entire life has been spent trying to save my family from themselves; from the alcohol, the drugs and the addictions that have stolen so many years from their lives. Dad died of liver disease in 2008. My brother is a rageaholic, an alcoholic and an addict who refuses all treatment. My mother, now also dead, had chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and two amputated legs from a 50+ year smoking habit.

I realized that the gentle deer represented my mother. The child I was trying to dig out represented my brother.

I've been helplessly watching them destroy themselves for years; watching them suffocate and drown. No matter how desperately I tried to help them, I was utterly powerless to do so. In the end, I was unable to save them from themselves.

I think that's what the dream was trying to get across to me. As devastating and painful as it has been to realize, there wasn't anything I could have done to stop what happened to them. It's time to stop punishing myself for thinking that I've failed them and learn to let it go. I didn't fail them. They failed themselves.