Plinky wants me to name my celebrity crush. I have none because Shepard Smith won't clean out his inbox (dude, you're missing out on my witty e-mails). Instead I'll list my crushes from the past in chronological order:

1. David Soul from Starsky & Hutch. Why did I crush on an old guy when I was in third grade? Maybe because he sang a sappy ballad called, "Don't Give Up on Us Baby." Sappy ballads were staples in the '70s. Way too much saccharin. Sorry David, I gave up on you. Because there's a new 16-year-old sheriff in town...

2. Shaun Cassidy. Now there ya go, someone more my age. He had a baby face and long hair like a girl. He didn't button his shirts so that put all transgender conspiracies to rest. After 5 minutes I da-doo-ran-ran to...

3. Rick Springfield. He sang AND played guitar with parachute pants, Members Only jacket, and bags under his eyes. Remember fan mail? With an envelope and stamp? I did it up right: colored with rainbows and my heart so my letters stood out. I don't know what I wrote, I got distracted when a dancer moonwalked into my life...

4. Michael Jackson. Back when he had only one or two cosmetic surgeries on the cover of Thriller. I moonwalked, memorized the Thriller and Beat It dances, wore one sparkled glove to school with white socks and penny loafers. Then the Boss knocked me over the head with his butt on the cover of Born in the USA...

5. Bruce Springsteen. Finally! A manly man! With muscles! He danced like a white guy with Courteney Cox. He broke my heart when he married Julianne Phillips and again when he broke her heart for his back up singer. If he had two main squeezes so could I. I went pure rock-n-roll with...

6. John Fogerty and John Cougar Mellencamp. I bought Centerfield with ten bucks I won in a poetry contest. I saw Mellencamp in concert in Milwaukee when he twisted his ankle early on but kept on going. I knew all the lyrics to all the songs. Then he went all liberal on me. Sigh.

I graduated high school then college and married my own guitar-playing artist who serenaded me with Grieg's "Hall of the Mountain King" on his classical guitar. Crushes be damned.