Fish as pets look good on paper, but the accompanying lessons in morbidity may turn your toddler into a goth before s/he's out of adjustable waistbands.

punk

We've mowed through species of goldfish, gourami, and cory cat like a virulent but well-intentioned pestilence. "Are the fish alive?" Your guess is as good as mine. Our spunky new cichlids look like they have a fighting chance...but so have they all...

Are you a budding (albeit likely failing) aquarist? See if any of these ring true:

You've forgotten your sign but know your pH.

You know what a substrate is and how to use it.

You're pretty sure Quint's actual line was "We're gonna need a bigger tank."

You've had ick.

You're pretty sure you have tail rot.

You have a very long hose.

You take it with a straight face when told your fish are stressed.

You understand reverse osmosis does not make you temporarily act like a chicken.

I feel for you, my brothers and sisters. Don't forget to flush.