Plinky asked me, "If you could enact one new law, what would it be?"

the helpless hamster

The legal system is so messed up. Stupid laws that were passed years ago by stupid people are still on the books in some states. I had fun reading through some of the ridiculous laws that are enacted in some states:

Minnesota- It is illegal to tease skunks.

Michigan- A woman’s hair legally belongs to her husband.

In NYC, “it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose and wiggling the extended fingers of that hand.”

Colorado- One may not mutilate a rock in a state park.

Oklahoma-Whale hunting is strictly forbidden.

Oxford, Ohio- It is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a man’s picture.

Omaha, Nebraska- If a child burps during a church service, his or her parents may be arrested.

Tennessee- It is illegal to lasso a fish.

I paid particular attention to West Virginia, since I am a mountaineer. I do want to mention that West Virginia is not the only state that has stupid laws. Here are some of the laws that are enacted in our wild and wonderful mountain state:

Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

If any person arrived at the age of discretion profanely curse or swear or get drunk in public, he shall be fined by a justice one dollar for each offense. Ok, to me, this means that you can only get fined $1 if you get drunk in public. Why aren’t more people drinking at public events? This is very disappointing. Every street party now can be a drunken affair. Just hand a cop a $1 and party away.

(Huntington)- It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps.

Unmarried couple who live together and “lewdly associate” with one another may face up to a year in prison. Uh Oh.

(Nicholas County)- No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

The whole reason I am writing this post is because I would like to enact a new law, nation-wide. This would encompass our neighbor to the north as well. Yes, like a North American law. And here it is:

* Parents must purchase at least one hamster during their child’s lifetime.

Ok, wait. I see a loophole.

*Parents must purchase at least one live hamster before their child’s tenth birthday and must raise and feed that hamster in their primary residence for it’s entire life. If a parent conveniently lets the hamster out of its cage and it goes missing or it mysteriously dies before it has lived in said primary residence for less than 6 months, the parents must then buy two hamsters. The same law pertains if the hamster is eaten by the family cat or dog, or if it is accidentally electrocuted or drowned.

Ok, that’s better.

Yes, Wendy, my facebook and fellow teacher friend, this means you. I read your facebook status about buying your daughter a hamster if she keeps her room clean for a month, when you know darn well she won’t keep it clean for 24 hours. Nice try. My new law would force you to buy a hamster sometime soon.

I think if I had to go through the hamster experience, everyone should. Children promise to take care of their cute little critter, but they never do. It always falls back on Mom. I had several hamsters growing up. I never took care of any of them. Oh, I played and loved them, but my mom changed its cage. I had one in college that I named Growl Bear. My fiancee (later husband, later ex-husband) made me give it away before we got married because he didn’t want a rodent in the house. (Even though he, himself, is a member of the rodent family. Well, so said my mom)

We ended up getting several when our kids were little. Because that’s what parents do. That’s what good parents do. Parents aren’t good parents if they don’t buy their child a hamster. So says famed psychologist and pet store owner, Vladimir Nincompoop.

So, Wendy, I will let you know when you can go buy your brand new hamster as soon as this future bill passes (and I don’t see why it wouldn’t, when we are allowed to pick up animals we hit with our cars and take them home to fix for supper).

Enjoy.