Mack The Knife by Bobby Darin

To my way of thinking, this is the perfect karaoke song. It's short. Two and a half minutes, and you're out. I'll never understand why people pick songs like "American Pie," or similarly lengthy tunes. Nobody wants to hear you for that long. Were it up to me, all karaoke songs would be cut down to two minutes.

(For more of my humorous theories, pick up my torn, stained pamphlet, "If I Was In Charge, You Would Love Me." I hand it out in front of the Hustler Store on Sunset, until Johnny Law tells me to move along. If I was in charge, he would love me.)

In addition to its brevity, "MTN" has no chorus, and no bridge. That leaves it with an ass-simple vocal line that Marlee Matlin would be able to master. That works out well for me, because I can't, in so many words, "Sing." That may be why I'm wonderful, but I'd be a whole lot more so if I could carry a tune. It's my cross to bear that my mind-blowing talent doesn't extend to crooning, and I plan to take it up with God one of these days.

Finally, it's just a totally cool song. Sing it, or Rex Harrison your way through it, or slur it while sipping your sophisticated alcoholic beverage, MTK is a song that carries you through. It's your best case scenario when you find yourself at karaoke, which should be roughly never.

Birdhouse in Your Soul by They Might Be Giants

Let's not mince words. I'm a nerd. There's no way you're ever going to mistake me for anyone who has any redeeming social qualities. I've come to terms with it over the years, and it's fine. Really. Enjoy doing cool things, cool people. I'll be at home watching "Good Eats," and looking up old MST3K episodes on Google Video.

So why not embrace that nerdiness with a song by the Presidents of the United States of Uncool? Consider it truth in advertising, especially when I use it to follow up "Mack the Knife." It's my way of telling the audience, "Look. I might have appeared cool with that first song, but I can't in any way sustain it. You might as well know that I still watch 'Tiny Toons,' and cried at 'Bolt.'"

As a side note, I was single for a very long time.

Need You Around by Smoking Popes

This is a song that's just cruising for a karaoke rediscovery. It's short, simple, and it was on the "Clueless" soundtrack that every man, woman, and child had in the mid-90's.

It also would be a great song to pick if you had a burning urge to do a Smiths or Morrissey number, as I often never do. The Smoking Popes were The Smiths with training wheels and a basket, essentially.

Also, if you drunkenly mess up a Morrissey song, chances are you'll tick off one of his crazily dedicated fans, and before you know it, you'll be on the receiving end of weak, pale, mascara-stained punches, and that's never a good way to end an evening.

To sum up, stop doing karaoke. Stay home, and watch "Good Eats." Did you see the edamame episode? That brittle looked good.