(written at 7:08am with a world class hangover)

The Sun
Thinks he's so tough, just because he's up in the sky and he's all bright. You're not so tough, The Sun. I have half a mind to come up there and be like, "What's up, The Sun? You judging me? Maybe I had a few drinks last night. Maybe you got a problem with that. Well, you know what? Suck on some of this!" And then I'd be like, CHA-PAW! BOOM! OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE! SMACKAMAROO! And then The Sun would be like, "It's cool, man. We're cool." And I'd be, like, "Yeah."

Anyway, he's a good guy, I guess. And he could smite my enemies, which I'd have, because I frankly wouldn't be a very good President.

Bass Ale
Think you're so superior with your amber color and your pleasing taste. I got news for you, Bass Ale, you ain't nothing. I don't care how many triangles you have in your logo. Oh, what's that? Just one triangle, huh? Now who only has one triangle? You! That's you, Bass Ale. I don't see any other ales in here, so don't give me any of your lip, you delicious alcoholic beverage. By the way, what's that behind you? FLA-CHOW! KARATE UP YO ASS! SLAMMAJAMMA! YOU SEE THAT? You don't even know. You don't even know.

Visiting dignitaries would enjoy a tasty Bass Ale. I know I do.

Patron Silver
Oh, with your high ideals and your lofty attitude. Your lime and salt. Whiskey doesn't need lime and salt, what are you trying to hide? Man, I'm going to vet you. You got skeletons in your closet, Patron Silver. I see them. I see right through you, you clear agave-based liquor. What the hell is agave anyway? It's like a big pineapple. Is that what you are? Are you a big pineapple, Patron Silver? Don't worry, I'm not gonna- WHA-BLAP! ZIP-ZAM, H-O-9! WHOLE BUNCHES OF STUFF!

Terrorists hate our freedom.

My God Damn Head
"Hi, I'm Josh A. Cagan's head. I'm a stupid. Apparently I won't let Josh A. Cagan have any fun, because the second he puts the beer in his mouth place, I get all hurty and stupid. Did I mention I'm a stupid? And no amount of aspirin will fix me? Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah. My name is Josh A. Cagan's head, and whatever something something. I don't need to even say stuff, because I have your brain, and I can make it not work. Ow. I still hurt."

You know what else hurts, My God Damn Head? FLIBBETY-FLOO! FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH! ZAH! I GETCHOO! I GETCHOO WITH THE ANCIENT ART OF MESSING YOU UP! YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE THAT? WOWEE ZOWIE! SLANTED AND ENCHANTED! CROOKED RAIN, CROOKED RAIN, TASTE THE PAIN! BLAMMO, WHAMMO, GREEN EGGS AND HAMMO! Also punching.

I guess I'll need my head as President. Although George W. Bush didn't use his! Ha! Biting social commentary! That's why I'm wonder- DON'T LOOK AT ME!

That One Chick At The Jukebox Last Night
With the Bettie Page tattoo? Yeah. Awesome. AWESOME.

But Also My Wife
She's a special fine lady, with also a tattoo.

Jeff Veen
He's so tall. I can't stress this enough.

Going Back To Sleep
Ow.