Bill Pullman, Secretary of Killing Alien Invaders From Outer Space
If you've ever seen the inspiring speech he gave as the president of the United States in "Independence Day," you don't have to ask why he is the obvious choice for this office.

Kurt Vonnegut, Secretary of Cranky Insights
Vonnegut is probably my favorite author, and despite his death a couple of years ago, I think he'd make a fine adviser to the president.

Bea Arthur, Secretary of Hot Legs
Rowrrr.

ZZ Top, Secretaries of Boozy Rock 'n' Roll
I'm not what you'd call a ZZ Top "fan" or anything. In fact, my only knowledge of them is limited to a song I think is called "Legs" and an appearance in "Back to the Future Part III." But I know how much Americans like their alcohol-fueled, rootsy rock, so ZZ Top is my gift to them. Plus they could play "Legs" (if in fact that is a song) whenever Bea Arthur comes in the room.

Ashton Kutcher, Attorney General
Imagine, if you will, the United States of America bringing up charges against someone for something seemingly heinous, only for the defendant to find out they've been PUNK'D'ED!!! Awesome, right?