Of course I have a favourite artist. It's me.

I don't want to sound conceited or anything, but I'm amazing. I'm one of them modern artists, you know, what you read about in the papers and that.

What makes me distinctive as an artist is that I know that my works of art are rubbish. But, and this is the clever part, they're supposed to be rubbish. Then, I pretend that they're not rubbish and people can read all sorts of meanings into them that are in no way present. Then, when someone asks me what my intentions were with the piece, I declare: "Nothing! It's a load of rubbish." Well, all those arty types think I'm being deliciously ironic, but I'm not!! I'm telling the truth.

I could tell you the specifics of some of my works, but you'd be disappointed. You've really got to see them in a gallery context to get the full effect.

Anyway, I'm off. I've got an empty pop bottle that I need to sell to some mug. Ker-ching!