- This is in answer to:
- What are you afraid of? See all answers
- June 25, 2011 by Court
- My fear of Love and why
I've had this fear since i got my heart broken the by this guy that i dated in highschool. I met him when i 17, the summer after junior yr ended. I had just started my first job ever at this small coffee shop called Noella's coffee shop and during that first week or so no one really caught my eye no one really appealed to me, although i really loved the job. But one wednesday i saw this guy in khaki pants, jail house slippers, with a white beater complete with tattoos, dark skin, dark sunglasses and a fedora... All he did was pass and nod at me and kept walking ( back then i had an ego soo big that if someone i liked didnt walk up to me when i wanted them to i took it as a challenge or offense) well all i did was literally break neck i just stared at him walking away knowing that i had to know who this guy was he was mysterious i never seen a man like him but i had to have him.
well every day he would stroll by at 12:30 or so and do the usually nod sometimes he would smile but he always kept walking. Within two weeks i found out that his younger sister was a regular ( i never let on how much i liked him) i found out he was from new mexico and a player ( of course i took that as yea let me play him and ill break him; hey like i said everything was a game and challenge ) well as fate would have it lol I had a shipment and needed help with unloading along with the longest line ever. so my awesome co-worker stopped by to hangout and help lol and all of a sudden after the costumer rush and the unloading was done i hear a shriek followed by "omg richie!!!" I turned to see who my co-worker was excited about and i saw him.
After an introduction of telling him my name and him shaking my hand and looking at me really intensely... I never met someone who i couldnt look straight into the eyes i was like i was losing a personal battle. i couldnt look at him almost like he had a aura of sun around him, or in him. I was completely charmed, excited, scared, and naked, and completely exposed he was the most intense person ive ever met. I had to walk away from him i couldnt look at him so i did my best to do what i usually did to attract someone ( c'mon lol seriously i finally met him i had to at least try and hook him) and walked away making an excuse to clean up the rest of the boxes left from the shipments. When he left my co-worker knew what was up she saw me. and she said yea i went to school with him, told me his full name, etc. i got a pretty good background about him. and i heard the line i wanted and needed to hear that she would "hook us up" so she and i started to work togather all the time. and when he came i would go next door to "use the bathroom" and she would work her magic to hook us up finally while i was working alone i saw him and he stopped by for the usual casual talk and he asked for my number.. I was beyond happy. That next few weeks it was nothing but calls that lasted for hours, lunch dates and him stopping by my work , and flowers. I had fallen in love and too infatuated to know it. He was everything i had ever wanted. I met his grandma i hung out with his sister who was four yrs younger than him he was 26. I finally met him mom within 4 months we were never away from each other. i actually cut all my other suitors off i became "miss devoted" i wanted him forever. i was his girl
and i was the happiest girl ever but after a while i started picking up some odd things i found girls numbers in his phone, everywhere we went we had a pissed off female audience ( of course that made me kinda egotistical and in your face haha ) and his drinking was out of control and his friends always got in the way and some days i would be his sisers personal babysitter while the whole group him included went running around. Things went from good to bad. 8 months later i still hadnt slept with him and he was getting angrier about it, so much that during the third month of my senior year he showed up before my classes started DRUNK!!!! he actually grabbed my arms so hard i had bruises so dark they lasted a month. and my lower back was completely bruised from where he pushed me into a pole. That was the first time he made me cried. all he kept saying was when are you give it up, when are you gonna actually give me body and soul. i was scared and a lil ashamed i thought i was my fault because he been togather for 8 months and we didnt do anything im soo happy how could i do that? (crazy right) my two close favorite teachers saw the whole thing and came to my rescue they let me stay in their rooms and let me cry they understood they but they think i need better.....
After that incident everything went down hill instead of going home after school i went straight to his house and i got rid of most of friends i hardly talked to anyone i isolated my self from everyone i stopped talking to my old co-worker i stopped everything that i would normally do.
Then one day in january after still not giving it up and my world revolving around him he decided to go back to new mexico because hed been on the run long enough. so i let him go we agreed to stay in a long distance relationship and all i could think of was "who is with, what is he doing, that i loved him, but i hated him for this insanely hurtful feeling,"
soon within the span of five months we broke up but would call to piss and eachother and send eachother into a jealous rage. Then i decided i need to stop living in the constant reminder of R,H,R (his initials that i have tattooed on my wrist but that didnt happen til the year 2010) so what better way to get over a guy than intensely throw yourself into a project? i asked one of my rescuers from the day he came to the school. and said i wanna do what you do i dont wanna be stuck anymore, make me a firefighter (richard was my personal fire battle) so i worked out i totally did my self over. and then one day I passed my physical and pack test i did soo great i was happy.. But guess who calls i half way thought "huh this fool" but my happiness needed to be shared and i had not called anyone to tell them the news so i answered and said i made it i passed the test to take the training course to be a firefighter!!! i was soo unbelievably proud. and he said well im hitch hiking back. back here to the town he left me at. and he wanted things to work out and such because he caught another charge on his criminal record so i said that id be here when he entered town....... And soon when he came my career focus drifted quickly i started to avoid family and friends again and since i turned 18 in november i decided that i was wanted to move over to his sisters and his house. and again things were filled with his drinking watching him smoke, babysitting his annoying niece and putting up with his bs friends, but this time i gave it up and that just became our lonely connection if we werent fucking, we were fighting and putting holes into the walls and throwing jealous fits, so much that i started to imitate him. I started cheating, sneaking around, and became more and more bitchy... to every one i started to not care but if i wasnt around him i was miserable. i couldnt get away my lust for him became my enemy i was lost that girl i used to be.
then i found out i was pregnant...he and i were helping out his grandma by reconstructing her kitchen and i came down with the "stomach flu"and i went to the doctor to get checked out well at the E.R they automatically piss test you for drugs and for pregnancy and so anyways sitting in the room on my own thinking that ill just get my meds and go back to normal well the doc came in and said well your two months pregnant and your extremely under weight. My whole world grew happy and then massively dropped. I was happy because after sex we always discussed kids and family life with eachother but it dropped because did i really want a baby i couldnt even handle his niece, and he and i were always fighting, plus his drinking and heroin addictions mixed with his and my jealous fits were completely unfit for an unborn child or a new born for that matter. so i decided i wouldnt tell him and i didnt i said oh its just the flu. and we got into a fight one night and i decided to walk over at his grandmas were he decided to sleep at and we got into in her drive way and i could smell Old English on his breath and we started pushing eachother and he hit me and pushed me to the ground. i noticed i started to bleed all i could do was cry. because though i was indecisive about what to do about the baby and not telling anyone til i found out i was hurt i knew that i lost his baby he didnt know about. and i walked calling my mom to come get me at 3am and she came i never told her all i said was tomorrow i need to go to the E.R and i went and they took what they could or however or whatever it is out of me they took the undeveloped fetus out. within a week he had changed his number and found a new girl and i came to get my things and left the stated to be with some other family i had to get away i couldnt be in the same town with him loving him, hating him, heartbroken over him and my loss that he or anyone else knew about. I felt soo alone so i left and there was nothing he could do about it. then he called the night i was on the bus about to make my last stop to my destination. and i remember clearly saying "You have some fucking nerve to be calling me right now, have you any idea what youve done to me?! Im gone and theres no getting me back" and he said "oh yea well i was only calling to hear your voice and that im going back home because i cant be in the same town as you missing you so ill leave you alone" i laughed and said " well i beat you why dont you stay where you belong im gone i already left im not in mission im not in sd im in kansas and soon ill leave to another state and i dont ever want to hear from you again i dont care how bad you think you feel you dont know what or how bad i feel that i let us go on for soo long i need to be away from you" and i hung up. with in two weeks of being in ft. scott kansas i got a swirl of e-mails, texts, phone calls and voice mails all saying the same that that he was coming to look for me, and that he needed me and was sorry by that time i was still angry that remorse and being heartbreak hadnt settled in yet. my anger was the only thing keeping me away from him.
Then moving to Norman, Oklahoma came i lived with my aunt and we split rent and expenses and i was becoming the old me again only i had some tender scars when certain things came up i finally spilled to my aunt about what happened with that man in the past and i.
Then one day around June that summer of 2010 his sister called me and said hey girl how you doing hope your doing good and my bro wants to talk to you. hes locked up he was drunk hitchhiking to kansas and got picked up and sent back to new mexico. you should write him and let him know how your doing. (by that time i had alot of things i wanted to say but i wasnt soo angry anymore) and so i wrote him and made contact. my aunt hated it she didnt understand but to tell you the truth i didnt either he still has no idea bout what happened. but anyways we got caught up again and six months i wrote everday to him. and got a call from him once a week. i thought things would get better i even got his initials tattooed on my left wrist. and in january i left to new mexico when he got released with no money in my pocket and no plan 15 days later i got sent back to Oklahoma and new brand of heartbreak on my heart. i knew i would never see him again. At that time i was 19 and i moved to my old hometown stillwater ok and met up with an ex who never did me that way mr routzen treated me and i married him after three months. and i made the notion to brag to the man who still had my heart and three days later he pictured texted me his marriage certificate to the girl who always caused a fight between us. and tattooed her name on his neck. how ironic isnt it? anyways i ended up getting annulled twice from the same guy from stillwater and then i finally left the last time realizing...
Im not meant to be the girl a man would love, im the you have fun with for a week or so or a month and then leave or send on her way.... Love wasnt for me... and when someone tried to devote themselves to me i would push them away. i started sleeping around trying to fill the void if anyone reminded me of my heartbreaker, my beautiful mess of a train wreck i would own them for an hour and send them on they're way i started to like fucking someone and then make them leave i loved that power of kicking someone out and waking up alone ( i still very much love waking up alone) and any guy to say the word love or kids,, they were dissed and dismissed men to me only became a game, to me men were good for only one thing and one thing only and sometimes that one things they couldnt even do that right. men were my plaything and i didnt care how much i hurt anyone. seeing gal pals going thru heartbreaks and guy issues i didnt understand why they tried so hard only to get burned. I refused to let my heart soften. And after a couple family members noticing my habit of suitor after suitor my new job as a stripper and bartender and bouncer at a couple clubs they convinced me to go to counseling knowing that this habit was in retaliation to my past with richard. I was on a major power trip and making that habit my new way of being in control.
My counselor broke me i hated her so much.... She told me that i still loved him that if he was to walk into my home id fall and let him seduce me like all the time before and id never be able to break the pattern. all i had to do was admit it. and be honest with myself. She broke me a number of times and soon i became softer and nicer and not soo bitter... Men who sounded, or looked like him from the back, or laughed the same no longer lured me or irritated me. He couldnt destroy me like before... And i started to actually meet good guys; however the word love, family, kids. was a deal breaker. I met an guy who graduated school before me and was in the army he was a gentlemen called me sweetie, and cutesy nicknames i really liked him and after almost two months of facebooking and texting and talking on the phone i thought about actually being the miss devoted girl again but in a more positive, stable way. everyone liked him everyone approved unlike how they acted about richard. but anyways in november last year he asked me to come visit him and meet his family in SD and get to know him better in person and i was supposed to last a week. But i had hard time getting back home due to family issues and stayed with him for three weeks and even though i was on depo ( form of birth control) we didnt use condoms i ended up pregnant. and all i wanted to was to be left alone. Now im close my due date and i still talk to my daughters father we are not togather because we just dont want to be but were friends and taking responsibility and keeping in touch to this day even though i actually liked hince LIKED my daughters father i refuse to be with him. He made the ultimate dealbreaker with out meaning to i got pregnant. lol I still now remain skittish bout love i refuse to fall. It wont happen i also dont want my daughter to grow up to me saying "i just want someone to love me" because i dont have someone to fill by bed with. I refuse love with a significant other. Men still remain a toy, but not in the way the used to be now its more of i just dont care to care bout you if some guy offers up a friendly invitation i refuse it. platonic or not i refuse. I refuse to be that girl. I think friends, family, my work and my daughter should be enough to keep me going... Why should by heart be defined by a man. I fear love and hate it at the same time i refuse to be weak again. i refuse to try and be the girl that im just not anymore love is a merely a trick to get us to reproduce and incubate drama in our lives and i want no part of it.. I love my unborn daughter but i refuse to go thru pregnancy and love again.