I noticed two things within the last week. One, when I feel lonely I can’t sleep. No matter how tired or beat up I feel I just couldn’t sleep. I go for hours just thinking and sleep is so rare it’s almost maddening. And second, when I feel afraid I sleep like there is no tomorrow. I lay down, close my eyes and the next time I open them hours have already passed. Weird isn’t it?

You'll never know real fear until you feel it shake your foundations. When it feels like someone’s carving at your insides and you’re being torn slowly, piece by miserable piece. You don’t shake. You can’t cry out or shout because you’re already hoarse. You’ve become too numb, not because you’re feeling nothing but because you’re feeling too much.

I’ve been through a lot of scrapes before. I’ve seen things I wouldn’t want others to see. I have memories I would rather forget but can’t. I still have the nightmares but those are nothing compared to knowing you might lose someone you love, someone you’ve known all your life, someone who brought you to this world and knowing how powerless you are to stop it. When you have to put your trust in someone else’s hands and just wait. How little it makes you feel, how desperate, just sitting there wallowing on your own despair wiggling your thumbs like a pathetic idiot because there’s nothing else you can do.

It’s been a long time since I last prayed. It shames me to admit but I lost my faith a long time ago. But the moment I heard the news I knew I couldn’t do anything but pray, believe and hope. And that my friends, is what fear does to me. And it scares the hell out of me not knowing will my prayers be answered or will I hear someone tell me: “God moves in mysterious ways” because I cannot take that, right now I can’t. I think I’ll explode or just simply break down, no check that, I will explode and breakdown.

I wondered why I sleep when I feel afraid. I guess its instinct. How I try to run from what scares me, how I try to elude consciousness and reality even for a few hours slipping into the safety of nothingness. Its sickening knowing how cowardly I am but I can’t help myself. I guess that’s how I’m built or how I created myself. I can face the other things, every other thing that life throws at me to scare or hurt me just not that. I can’t stand knowing I’m about to lose a loved one and I couldn’t do shit about it but pray. If I thought I was afraid before, now, I’m fucking terrified!