- This is in answer to:
- Write about the most precious thing you’ve ever lost. See all answers
- November 26, 2012 by MB-presents
- Musings On The Most Precious Things Lost
I tend to lose myself in relationships. This year it was driven home again. I start a relationship get convinced it's serious and in this case start ignoring all the signs that I don't really like much about the guy. In retrospect I'm so ashamed of many of his world-views and of his behavior that even after nearly 3 months into the breakup I beat myself up several times a day for having spent my summer with him. Memories keep popping in my head of ridiculous or outrageous things he did and I cringe inside and get flooded with self-reproach.
I do admit it could have gotten way worth than it did, I know that from past experiences.
Thing is I get attached to this connection, that bond between myself and the other person and growing up in a very dysfunctional household I don't really have an internal indicator of how bad things are.. I'm used to pain and sorrow in relationships. So if there's even a tiny chance to enjoy having a heart to heart connection I let myself go to places in a relationship that are highly unhealthy for me.
This time I realized that I needed to get out but that I needed to detach myself slowly (like fading out a song) in order not to upset my inner emotional landscape too much. I did that until one day he ended up humiliating me in public for more than 6 hours when I couldn't get away.. and that day I just prayed to myself that I would remember that and stay away from him for good!
And I do remember and I'm staying away .. and am thanking god/the powers that be/divine consciousness whatever you wanna call it from the depth of my heart that it is over!
I'm kind of losing hope that I'll ever be able to have a balanced, healthy romantic relationship but at least I got the strength to get out of an unhealthy mostly unloving relationship and didn't stay in there thinking I didn't deserve better or wouldn't find better.
Luckily I had a breakthrough last year when I realized I'm absolutely fine as a single, there is nothing wrong about being single. I'm a whole person and don't think anymore that I NEED another person in my to make me feel whole.