Ever since the times of the ancient Romans, one question has compelled man to conquer science, the arts, and philosophy: who would win in a fight between a bear and a shark? I see this being the ultimate Pay Per View battle. Tyson fights? Mike Tyson never bit anybody in half. And I've stepped between Mike Tyson and his cubs. I've conducted studies on it. He's actually only a third as likely to kill you as the bear.

The bear v shark scenario would have to be decided in three rounds: one on land, one in the sea, and a special THIRD round that I won't mention until the other two have passed.

Round one is on land. Now, as many of you are already aware, sharks cannot breathe on dry land. Furthermore, their lack of legs give them a disadvantage. So what we need to do is catapult the shark out of the water AT the bear, who is situated on an island in the middle of a ring of water. The shark-a-pult sends the shark at the bear, they have it out in mid-air, and the shark falls back into the ocean, goes back to the shark-a-pult, and the process repeats itself. My money in this round is actually on the shark. Yes, yes, the bear is a land animal, but... sharks are essentially big floppy torpedoes with teeth. The bear is stationary. It's okay, bear, keep your massive chin up.

Round two is a bit more challenging. We're on the shark's turf now, so the bear needs the modifications this time around. What about the shark-a-pult, you ask. Why not propel the bear into the water AT the shark this time? Well, it's a stupid idea, that's why not. Shut up. What we ARE going to do is give the bear a little scuba mask and some weights on its feet so it sinks down to shark levels. Unfortunately, bears use a lot of oxygen, and so it will pass out quickly. Round Two goes to shark.

But wait! Shark has won two rounds, you say! Again, I demand your silence! This is not a best two out of three process we're doing here. We're playing by Wild And Crazy Kids rules, meaning that the final round is for enough points that all rounds before this are totally useless and mean nothing.

Welcome to round three... space. That's right. In space, no one can hear you hurl bears at sharks. Which is good, because the Game Warden has a three strikes rule and I've got two from the previous rounds. Round three will have both the bear and the shark in an unusual environment. Each will be given a spacesuit and one spacecraft. The bear, often seen representing Russia, will be given a model replica of Sputnik. The shark, who's apparently too ballsy for anyone to want as their national animal, will be given a Death Star laser.

You think it's all over, but just you wait.

The shark sees its chance. It quickly fires off a Death Star laser. Unfortunately, sharks have very strong senses of smell, but a slightly underdeveloped sense of aim (flippers have no fingers). His shot hits the Earth, destroying it and causing a massive explosion and a cheap special effects shock wave. This kills all bears AND sharks on Earth. It also kills all humans and life as we know it but that's pretty irrelevant in this story. The kickback from the laser blast sends the shark flying into the grip of the clever and patient bear. The bear, acting on instinct alone, hurls the shark at the sun. Inertia takes time, but eventually the shark is pulled into the gravitational descent of our former life giver, and is burnt to a crisp. The bear humbly realizes it has proven itself the top predator that ever lived, and dies of suffocation when his oxygen runs out 12 minutes later.

And that is why a bear's corpse, covered in shark bites with a space helmet on and clutching a replica of Sputnik, will be the last and only record of mankind or Earth to exist in this universe. Imagine how millions of years from now, an alien life species will stop out our way and see the bear,and think there was once a civilization of bears trying to make it out into space, only to be destroyed by some hostile predators with three rows of teeth.Too bad they didn't have Pay Per View; they missed out on the truth AND a great fight.