Terrible. Would you expect any less?

I had reason to believe that this chick was my girlfriend - only in as far as 8 year olds can be going out with each other. We hadn't bought a mortgage together if that's the level you're at.

At a school disco in a church community centre hall, about 50 young and preppy 8 year olds from the local private school rocked up to dance the macarena and get drunk on Haribo.

Suitably sugared up on cola bottles, I decided it was nigh on time for my first kiss, and went in for the sucker. She responded. Great. I thought that whilst I was still kissing her, failing to notice how extremely pursed and tense our lips had become. It was less of a kiss, and more like pressing your lips onto concrete. But it was still great.

And then she slapped me. Full on slap. In the middle of Cheadle Hulme Community Centre school disco. Everyone watched it and laughed, she just ran into the girls toilets. It must have been the Haribo I thought, as I continued to macarena.