People of Earth! All your right shoes are now locked in my basement! I want all my demands met, or you'll all spend the rest of your lives limping around and looking really stupid!

Johnny Depp, in his underpants, in my bed.
This request originally read "Johnny Depp naked in my bed", but Pook suggested I should keep some mystery in the scenario. Acceptable alternatives to Johnny Depp include David Tennant, Edward Norton, or any of the Hanson brothers.

a box of Oreos delivered to my door daily
Before you raise an eyebrow and say "Whut? Why not buy some?" please know that in my neck of the woods, Oreos are damn near impossible to come by unless you shop online. Girl's gotta have something to dunk in her milk, right?

my student debts cleared
It's somewhat frustrating to be sent out into the world, freshly graduated, and already owe at least a year's wages to other people. I'd like to be able to buy nice things once in a while - computers, dresses, Jack Daniels - instead of constantly fretting.

a purple Lotus Espirit
It'd be an expensive lawn ornament unless I had driving lessons to go with it, but it's my dream car. Someone used to drive one of these around the hometown, and I drooled every time I saw it.

a General Election, like, NOW please
It's our only hope of ending the spectacular failure British politics is right now.

no more Big Brother
The first couple of seasons were a neat little sociological experiment, but this monstrous publicity machine that now assaults us from all media on an annual basis is only an experiment in driving sensible people crazy. (I'll spare you my rant on the whole Ade-jay Oody-gay debacle for now.)

one of every model of every bass guitar in all the world
Just to keep Ben quiet.

a Ben and Jerry's vending machine in my kitchen
My waistline hates these demands. But my waistline isn't the boss of me. Now bring me my Half-Baked!