when the conversation becomes one guy's political soapbox
"Hey there, Sergeant Buzzkill. Yeah, the state of the nation sucks, eh? How 'bout letting someone else get a word in edgewise there? No? I guess I'll just be going then. Psst. Hey, don't let this guy drink any more."

when the Scouser gets angry
There are things that you should avoid at all costs, whatever the situation: fire, floods, beehives, the emo room at Jilly's, and Liverpudlian anger. Getting in the way of this kind of temper can only end in tears, especially for southern fairies like me.

when the ugly guy starts cracking onto you
Some of us have this curse - ugly guys immediately zoom in on us as we enter the party, and point-blank refuse to leave us alone. The words "no", "I'm taken", or "please take yourself in a northerly direction and find someone who cares" mean nothing to this most awkward of foes.

when the party runs out of booze
This is an unforgivable sin. People will start to become confused. They might cry. They might sober up! Make confession to the party fairy, and do penance for at least a week afterwards.

when the music goes from funny to nasty
'Gay Bar' by Electric Six is a perfectly acceptable party tune. 'The Vengabus is Coming' is not. There are certain songs that are just not fit for human ears, no matter how drunk you are. At this point, it's best to just run for the hills and hide until morning.