(Yawns, stretches...)

Man, that was a good nap! I feel refreshed! I feel like I've been asleep since late Feb-

(Strokes chin, feels long white beard)

OH GOD! I'VE BEEN ASLEEP SINCE LATE FEBRUARY! BUT WHAT ABOUT PLINKY? SWEET, NEGLECTED PLINKY! OH, THE PLUMANITY!

Dell DJ

There's a fair amount of useless stuff in my house...Books not read, DVD's not watched, a bunch of kitchen implements that I saw at the 99 cent store ("Ooh! A pimento zester!"), had to have, shoved in a drawer, and proceeded to forget about like they were Dog's Eye View.

But now that I think of it, those things aren't truly useless. They are unused, yes, but were they to be used, they would have a use. And were that preceding statement not senseless, it would make sense. And I'm my own grandpa. That's why I'm wonderful.

So setting aside all of the use-impaired objects, there is truly only one utterly useless thing in my apartment, and it's...My husband. Man, he always leaves the toilet seat up! And when I want to watch "Murder She Wrote," he wants to watch the game! And he never does the dishes! I swear, if he didn't earn (barely!), I'd "kick him to the curb!" But you know what they say, "Til' Death!" I just hope I can wait that long!

AMIRIGHTLADIES?

Sorry. One of the side effects of sleeping since late February is that I occasionally break into mid-80's Rita Rudner material. It's treatable, but I may never lose the urge to wear giant shoulder pads.

Which brings us, as all talk of shoulder pads does, to the Dell DJ MP3 player. It sits, deeply, unfixably, bricked, in my bedside table, never to share its music with the world again. I purchased it after I sold my first movie in 2004, as a little gift to myself. And that was only after a month of dithering, panicking, not to mention dickering and panthering.

See, the Mrs. and I were broke. We were broke for a good two or three years before I sold the movie, and after I sold the movie, we were still broke. Contrary to popular belief, Ed McMahon does not show up on your doorstep with a giant check the second a studio says, "Well...Can we put Vanessa Hudgens in it? Fine. Give Josh A. Cagan the standard Rich & Famous Contract."

So I wanted to treat myself to something, specifically an MP3 player. It never crossed my mind to get an iPod, because...I don't know why. Too flashy, too expensive, too hip, too sleek, too...Just too much, too soon. In my head, buying an iPod was as wrongheaded as the guy who wins the lottery and buys a Lamborghini. Also, I tried to use iTunes at a wedding once, and it called me something vaguely anti-semetic. (There's since been a patch to remedy that.)

Mainly, I was terrified that if everything fell to shit, as everything does weekly in the entertainment industry (Don't believe me? Ask Dog's Eye View), I would suddenly be squatting in an abandoned sawdust factory, and my only possession would be an expensive, shiny iPod, which would only play Pennywise to remind me I had been pound-foolish.

To avoid this, I treated myself to a refurbished Dell DJ that I found on eBay for 200 bucks. And I'll say, for a first generation, utterly doomed piece of technology, it was absolutely fine. Sure, it was blocky, weighed a good 10 pounds, and the software that came with it was developed by Dilbert's Elbonian R&D team.

But I put music on it, and when I pressed "play," music came out of the headphones. And that's all I needed it to do. And it traveled with me everywhere. Especially on my maiden voyages to LA. As I strolled around this mammoth, mutant city, it sat heavy in my pocket.

We were not part of LA, my Dell DJ and I. We were blocky, weighed-down and grey. We did what was required of us with no artifice, no bells and whistles. We did our jobs, such as they were.

After a good three years of service, and after providing three years worth of material for my friends in the industry, who could not process an MP3 player that wasn't an iPod ("Is that an insulin pump?"), it crapped out. I suppose I could have had it fixed, but that would've required a trip to Elbonia.

I replaced it with a Creative Zen something-or-other, also refurbished, also bought off eBay. It was shinier, newer, played movies and such, and it died on me after a year and a half. I have an iPhone now, that I regard as more of a roommate that lives in my pocket, rather than a friend.

But my Dell DJ was definitely a friend. A lucky rabbit's foot from a giant, heavy, mechanical, musical rabbit. I don't have the heart to get rid of it, but every time I look at it, I smile.

In that way, I suppose it is not useless. Or rather, it may be useless, but it is, at the same time, priceless.

In other words, suck it, pimento zester.