Dear Miley Cryus,

You are a plauge in this world. I really don't know why I dislike you so much, and then I remember all the reasons.

1. Stop talking. Your voice makes me want to drive red hot needles under my finger nails. Why do you feel the need to yell ALL the time. I don't want to hear you, or Hannah, or whatever cracked out Disney meets future meth addict voice you have.

2. Stop holding your dad's hand. It was cute when you were 11, now it's just awkward. Almost as awkward as Hulk Hogan greasing up his daughters butt at the beach, but not quite. [sidebar - Hulk, that's GROSS.] You're 16 but you dress like your 22 and your father dresses like he's 28, so bottom line is you should stop walking around like you're looking for a place to make out.

3. Stop taking skanky-ass pictures and putting them online. How retarded do you have to be to take a picture like that? FIRST of all, didn't we just go through this with Vanessa who is far prettier and more talented then you? Also, no one wants to see anyone's fufka, so don't take a picture of it.

4. Why do you dress like a hippy all the time? Guess what Hannah-mon-Miley, you are a zillionaire. Take the little headbands off and drop the pretense. No on really believes that you're a musician anyway.

5. Your 20 year old boyfriend started dating you when you were 15 and we judge him for that. He's a 6-pack, a box of condoms and Chris Hansen away from being a problem.

So, Miley, the truth is you drive me crazy. It could be that you are everywhere all the time, but so is Zac Efron and I don't hate him. Stop being a fufka and maybe your life will not end in meth.