Hi Lindsay.

It's me. The other Cagan. No, we're not trying to tag-team you, though my husband might like that. We saw your celeb-inspired naked spread in NY Magazine, and to be honest, you're pretty rockin'. But that's not why I want to spend my five minutes with you.

I could have talked with Rihanna, who I am genuinely frightened for, but I don't think she wants to listen to a 5'5" Jew. And since you're one of us now, I figured we could chat, mano y mano, matza y matza.

Listen, Sis. Here's what's going on. I'm actually one of your biggest fans. I adored you in Freaky Friday, and I wished I was you in Mean Girls, even in the harsh moments. You made being a redhead cool for the tween set, and for that I have to give mad props, because this Ginger suffered fools way too often in middle school. But the truth is, you need to fix yourself girl.

No, Lindsay, you don't need a fix. You need to fix yourself.

Alas, here are my five steps. The hub recommends lasagna, which I have to say, I second (and third and fourth.) But here's what I'm thinking for now.

1) Netti Pot. Let's get some serious irrigation where it belongs and clean out the last few years of damage. Netti a minimum of three times a day. You'll actually start to feel your septum again.

2) A Snuggie. Throw it over a pair of your new leggings, cinch it with a killer belt, and live in comfort for a while. A blanket was a great security for Linus, and it may just work it's magic on little old you.

3) Get Angelina and Brad to adopt you. Listen, this may sound nutty as they have their hands deep in diapers, are jet-setting all over third-world nations, and have to balance their ever growing millions, but they seem to be not- horrible parents. Plus, they can use their connections to help you, as yours seem to be kind of...disappearing. Lindsay Lohan Jolie Pitt has a rather long but nice ring to it. And I don't think your parents will really mind.

4) Drop the Stevie Nicks obsession. She's just not that into you. Move on to someone who wants to be admired by you. Maybe Sharon Stone? Maybe Meg Ryan? Maybe even Ellen Barkin? Just pick some actress with kind of fried out hair and deeply tanned skin, and you are sure to strike a bargain for her life rights.

5) Come over for lasagna. My husband is right. It kind of cures everything, and a few extra pounds only hurts a little bit. Besides, you have that Snuggie now, so nobody will know the difference anywho.

Okay, my five minutes is up with you, Lindsay. I'm so glad we had this talk. You've been a good friend, and I only want the best for you.

Let's try and do this once a month, shall we? We can meet at the Starbucks on Sunset next time, Latte on me.

Peace.