Heidi and Spencer. Thanks so much for joining me today. Let me start by saying, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO??? I mean, I get that the show is fake which is why I love to hate it. But is there really love between the two of you? Either way, you are both terrible actors. That being said, Spencer, can we start with you?

First of all, stop trying to grow facial hair. Not only does facial hair tend to not work on blond men, yours in particular looks like you are a 7th grader trying to grow a beard.

You are an isolator and you have rage issues. The show may be a farce but that fight you got into in the bar a few eps ago? Those were some real punches bro. Chill out. Maybe try yoga. Or a bubble bath?

And finally, you are a giant bag of douche. That is all.

Now Heidi I don't know where to start with you my dear. You claim to be in love with a man who is clearly trying to keep you from all your friends and loved ones, blah, blah, blah. On to more important things. What the hell is up with your porn star extensions? You look like you are fresh off the case of Dallas. Also, please explain to me why you think it was a good idea to get your lips plumped up so much that they now enter a room before the rest of your body does?

Now, both of you, answer me this? Why do I have such a passionate hatred for the two of you but am drawn to you like a moth to a freakin' flame?