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  • What's the least fun you've ever had at a place specifically tailored for fun? See all answers
    • May 1, 2009 by jess
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    • Lose the Cruise

    • Vacations are fun.

      However, if there is a speakerphone in your bedroom suite, you are NOT having fun.

      Vacation Cruise Ships have speakerphones in their bedroom suites.

      Therefore, Cruises are NOT fun! (and I wish they’d quit advertising as such)

      ~ blonde logical reasoning

      My husband made it clear to me early in our relationship that he will entertain just about any adventure I throw at him with the exception of camping (which I love) and cruises.

      However, since our lives are centered around boats, I thought I could slide a cruise by him. Besides we had no choice. Our friend was getting married on some Bahamian island and the cruise was part of the party.

      He was a good sport the first few hours...he loves boats and this was a HUGE vessel. But as soon as we left the dock the calypso music stopped, the bars closed, and we were introduced to the maddening speaker system that told us to grab our lifejackets and ‘Report to Your Muster Station’.

      This meant ALL passengers were to pack themselves like sardines next to assigned life boats...as if anyone would really remember their lifeboat is 09N64TB-02 on the starboard side of deck 4. Seriously! If it comes down to sinking, I’m commandeering the first floatable object in my sight.

      After two hours of standing, donned in our orange, moldy life jackets, in the sweltering Miami heat, we were released to ‘enjoy’ ourselves. But the problem was there were no accessible stairs.

      Is that even legal?

      So hundreds of us waited in line another hour, sans booze, for two elevators that ran the entire ship. That is what I remember most about our ‘fun-filled’ cruise debacle. Standing in line after line, being herded like cattle.

      Everything was all inclusive, so there was no opportunity to tip your way to better service. We all shared the same bland food, the cheap watery drinks, the creaky plastic pool chairs. And the God awful music.

      Even though our room was pretty spacious and had a deck over-looking the ocean (that was cool), it had a freaking SPEAKERPHONE!

      About every three hours, beginning at 8 am, it would kick on and we’d hear “Ahoooooy mates! This. Is. Jimmy. Your Cah-ruuuze DIE-rector! Blah, blah, blah, blah, f-ing blah”.

      We survived one evening of our 7 day cruise. The next day, I saw my husband kick into pampered SoCal boy mode, scream bloody murder at the cruise officials, then pull me off that boat onto a nearby island.

      We took a little chartered boat to the wedding, salvaging what was left of the trip. And now, when a cruise commercial plays on TV, we throw things at the screen ,-)

       
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  • Comments

    willweyer said:
    I ran across this story you wrote... been a few ships and those announcement speakers have always had a volume control - including 0 volume. Only emergency alerts would come through, but none of that morning blarg they chat up to the early birds.
    posted 10 months ago
    StratPlayer said:
    5 years back my wife hustled me into a cruise. I was at a critical point of an application I was writing(lots of meetings),,,Took a laptop. Screwed the whole cruise up. Drank a lot(you're supposed to). Moral:Never take a knife to a gun fight and never take work on a cruise with your wife.
    posted 10 months ago
    MichaelJolly said:
    Holy shiz. That sucks! I have a wedding cruise thingy coming up in december for my cousin. Congrats. You've just made me dread december for the next 7 months. I sincerely hope your husband decked him some CUH-ruze DIE-rectums.
    posted 10 months ago
    shellen said:
    My wife has the same cruise rule. I'm still optimistic that a cruise could be fun, but I think your story plus "sick boat" syndrome is enough to back burner that idea for a few decades.
    posted 10 months ago
    colorfuljacksons said:
    That is so sad! And unfortunately funny. I've been on 2 cruises and I loved them both, but it wasn't anything like this. Announcements only blaired through the hallways and we couldn't hear them in our suite unless we turned the tv on to the particular channel it was broadcasting on. We pretty much spent the whole time on our private balcony with room service just like they advertise. I'd like to know which cruise line you went with? I've done Royal Carribean and Princess. Royal Carribean was better.
    posted 10 months ago
    joyz said:
    little chartered boat savior!also, i love picturing you guys throwing stuff at the screen.
    posted 10 months ago
    jess said:
    I think putting off for several decades is the key. Maybe Alaska in our 60s (also because by then, the polar ice caps will have melted and it should be a much more pleasant environment. Kidding, sort of.) The cruise I took was Royal Caribbean (I have the sweatshirt to prove it...they threw them at us while we disembarked).
    posted 10 months ago
    akaustin said:
    Jess,I was reading this writing and really enjoyed it until you said "sans booze". You MUST place that at the end ... it's a deal breaker for some readers LOL.Kidding though ... makes me not want to take a cruise and I always have thought about doing so.eh,aka sends ...
    posted 10 months ago
    clarissabrown said:
    This is just awful! i love cruising! The first day is truly a royal pain in the ass because not only do you have to be ushered around like cattle but then you have to actually WEAR that awful orange life jacket. Why can't we just watch a video like they do on planes? The announcements didn't blast in our rooms either unless you had the TV turned to a specific channel. You two are so sweet that you actually put up with it because the first day that it went off waking me up from a wet dream there would have been hell to pay! I'm very good at getting people to do things my way. Ask my husband. ;)
    posted 10 months ago
    secrethousewife said:
    Really funny post! Any holiday that includes someone yelling"Ahooooooy!!" into my room would cause immediate removal of selves, a la you. How ghastly!!
    posted 10 months ago

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