I was a fat kid who wore hawaiian shirts and talked incessantly about television. I would say the world was my arch enemy, but I suspect it was actually me.

So let this be a lesson to all of you, kids. Conform. There's plenty of time to be different in your late teens and 20's. Just keep your head down, do your time, and keep your mouth shut. And maybe, just maybe, you won't be spending countless days and nights pulling your underpants out of the crack of your ass.

Now I'm gonna go drink. A lot.