Class of 2009:
As you embark on this brave new world I would like to prepare you with some pointers, tips, and common knowledge that the speakers at my high school graduation didn't bother to let me know.

Lesson 1:
College is, and will continue the tradition of being the best 4-5 years of your life. However, contrary to what teachers, parents, guidance counselors, and everyone else may have told you...a bachelors degree is as useful as Charmin' 2-ply. You cannot get a job with a bachelors degree, you cannot get an interview with a bachelors degree, you cannot get laid with a bachelors degree.

What you CAN get with a bachelors degree is a foot in the door to grad school, and a shitload of student loan debt. That is about it. Why do I tell you this? If you can find a good paying job, with security, benefits, and a chance for promotion...do it. Do not worry about college. Why all your friends come and go from overpriced private schools, you'll be the first one to actually start contributing to a 401k (which these days is also worth dogshit), but you'll be the only one with any type of security, and the first with your own apt. as all your friends move back home with their parents with no job skills, no future, and no money.

Lesson 2:
Specialize yourself. If you're going to go to college, and waste all sorts of money. Get yourself a specialized degree. This doesn't mean you can't study what you're passionate about, but do it with some thoughts in mind. Do NOT just get a general history degree, or general liberal arts degree. Get something specialized. If you're going to do history, do a specific area of history, and do a minor in a foreign language. Same goes for a business degree, DO A FOREIGN LANGUAGE. If you can speak 2,3,4 languages when you get out of school, this just adds 0's on the end of your salary.

Lesson 3:
You WILL NOT stay in touch with 90% of your high school friends. Get over it now. Its not for better its not for worse, it just happens. You will diffuse after high school, you will never have the same relationships, you will never have the same friendships, and by the time you get to your 10th high school reunion one of your friends from high school will have died, and at least one will be in jail. Its just the way of the world.

Lesson 4:
Don't sleep in this summer. Its your last chance of seeing most of your friends, don't pass up the opportunity by sleeping.

Lesson 5:
Smile...the more things change, the more they stay the same.