Would you like to be my friend? I have a few already, but there's always room for more. The salary's not great, but the perks include cake! Mmm, cake. If you fulfil my simple requirements, we can schedule a brunch interview perhaps.

My new friend must like being with people.
This sounds pretty obvious, but I've had some friends before who shy away from human contact. Making the effort to get to know you was a rare feat - why bother socialising now they've got you around? Wanting to go out and meet people - and to get to know them, not projecting yourself onto them and hoping they'll like you - is an absolute priority.

My new friend must share similar interests with me.
The vast majority of my friends are musicians of some sort, which is why we bonded in the first place. But almost none of them watch anime, and the few that play World of Warcraft are all Alliance-side, the pussies. I'd like to know someone who at least knows the names Lelouch Lamperouge or Light Yagami, and would at least be willing to pledge fealty to Warchief Thrall.

My new friend must be able to appreciate a good, hot chicken madras.
If you come to my house for dinner, this is what I will feed you. Get it down you. If you complain, I'll make you stand outside and sing the national anthem whilst hopping on one foot.

My new friend must like cats.
Our stray feline friend Plum is pregnant. Pretty soon we're going to have a whole litter of kittens on our hands. There can be no room in my life for someone who doesn't like sweet, innocent, purring bundles of fuzz.

My new friend must be able to drink responsibly.
Heck knows I can't. I'll need someone to carry me home.