Some people, men especially, mistake maintenance with relaxation. Is it relaxing to take your car in for an oil change? I think not.

There is a fundamental difference between what I *do* to relax and what actually relaxes me.

Let me count the ways a woman PAYS to ‘relax’.

Thumbscrews

Pedicures: Though I often partake in this procedure, it is neither fun or relaxing. Pedicures can be painful...all the pricking and cuticle cutting. And the sand-bar-of-abuse is absolute torture to those of us with ticklish feet!

Chocolate/Honey/Sugar/Cosmo Baths: Oh joy. Let’s sit in a vat of luke-warm, sticky chocolate or honey or sugar or cosmopolitan (none of which smells like chocolate or honey or sugar or cosmopolitan) in a community bare-butt tub. On the way out, be sure to grab a script for antibiotics.

Brow Waxing: Hot wax followed by sharp pain...within close proximity of two of your most valuable organs. Really, that sounds relaxing? AND, the sadomasochist performing this procedure is certain to laugh at you if you tear up (and you will).

Bikini Waxing: Yowl! Are you serious? (See Brow Waxing above)

Botox: Granted, I’ve not yet experienced the ‘relaxing’ effects of this procedure, however, I did attend an office Botox party luncheon. It was at this party that I witnessed a woman (who I had previously pegged as a wuss) voluntarily allow someone to plunge a dagger full of goo into her forehead. Relaxing? I’d rather have my finger nails pulled!

Body Wraps: It’s not so bad paying for someone to take an hour wrapping hot towels tightly around your body...effectively transforming you into a mummy. But, as I found out, those towels cool and loosen. Your hands and feet are then placed into plastic bags (to collect excess water), then you’re made to walk on a treadmill for hours with nothing to do except watch the Lifetime channel. Feels kind of like wearing a too-small wetsuit and maneuvering a treadmill. Underwater. In Antarctica.

Despite these rantings, I assure you I’m not a total failure in the art of relaxation. I’m quite proficient at relaxing during these activities:

Reading a book. Any book.
Sharing wine with friends in my kitchen.
Sitting in front of a roaring fire (safely contained and with someone to stoke it, of course).
Scalp massages at the hair salon!!!!

The difference is none of these free activities require bodily torture in the name of relaxation. They’re not a trip to the dealership but rather a slow cruise down a scenic, winding road.