I am a merciful, yet masochistic God whose follower is myself. The last vivid dream left me waking up coated in dry and new sweat and gasping for air. The dream:
I'm in some room with my father and two other people, both younger than myself. One by one, we each die. The younger people go right to Heaven. An angel carries them to the pearly, silvery, golden gates then in a flash of light, vanishes. My father and I are left terrified that we weren't going to Heaven, but instead Hell. A new angel shows up, not dressed in white robes as the last one was, but in gray robes. It took my father and I to Purgatory.

Now, forget what you believe or think you know about Purgatory and any theology associated with it. In my dream, it was a rest stop on a major highway with a mall. Plenty of wonderful stores with great food, clothes, books, and music. The only problem was that I had no money. Apparently, you had to earn money by being in God's good graces. Of course, my father and I aren't even looking at the valuables, but instead wondering how we failed. What went wrong that we couldn't go to Heaven. We cried, and apologized to God, but felt like He wasn't listening. Everyone formulates their opinions on how to get to Heaven from Purgatory. Some suggest that you repent and will be taken to Heaven. Some say you must keep earning money and call a taxi to take you there. My father and I decide that we're going to walk along the highway to Heaven. So we leave the rest stop/mall and start walking.

We see Heaven beyond a big bridge and miles of forests. It's a city. Big gray city. The way there is terrible. The river underneath of the bridge has flooded and there are alligators climbing up the bridge and ready to attack. My father and I think and formulate plans to get past the hungry, many-sharp toothed beasts. I decide to run for it. As soon as I hit a small stream of water that ran across the middle of the bridge from the flooding, I fly straight up in the air. I'm scared of the landing but I land softly in the middle of the city of Heaven.

I'm welcomed and relieved but that I realize that my father is still on the bridge. Despite everyone saying not to worry, he'll be fine, I leave Heaven to get my dad. When I find him, he's cowering on the bridge repeating that we've failed. He then jumps off of the bridge into the flooded river and I never see him again. I wake up.

This dream occurred the day before an interview to a job that I desperately want and need. My father, several months ago, lost his job. We're both scraping our pockets and combing the floors and furniture for lost change. Obviously, the fear of failure is on my mind. I won't find a job, I won't complete college, I won't make a living. I feel like my dad is depending on me to support myself NOW. Not in a month, but right now. There was no integration for me. I left my small town for a city in a different state. Shortly after my first semester in college, he had no job and we are now surviving on pension and unemployment while we both search for jobs.

My dream seemed to reenact this situation in the ultimate failure: Not getting into Heaven. At least I didn't send myself to Hell, I suppose.