Seriously, now, my life would be incredibly tedious to anyone but me. Who wants to watch me typing at my computer for an hour, then getting a cup of decaf, then typing some more? If we edited out all the boring parts, my insanely funny jokes or terrifying paper cuts would hardly fill a cartoon short.

If we're making a movie about my life, we have to talk bigger budget, better actors, more awesome special effects, better writers, and a full orchestra sound track. I'm talking Ferrari, not Saab, multiple overseas location shoots, not suburban back yard, and shock-and-awe major invasions, not town meeting squabbles about amending the leash law. I'll need two, no, three personal assistants, daily massages, my own dedicated computer geek, and a personal trainer who is also a diet consultant. I'll need a fridge stocked with grapefruit-flavored Izzy soda on the set at all times. Of course, I'll need an assistant dedicated to maintaining a steady Twitter feed, and I'll need another dedicated to inventing good stuff to Tweet. Anything else? Chauffeur, body guard, independent investment adviser, and personal lottery ticket scratcher. We'd better keep a line in the budget for "other," just in case. Life in my movie would be so much more interesting than life in front of my computer. Sigh.