After an exhausting day of negotiations, foreign policy decisions, and stock trading, I can think of no more relaxing environ than your mother's house, located at -- wait, you don't know where your mother lives? What sort of disconnected, ungrateful, spiteful child are you? She's your mother! She gave birth to you! You owe her your very life, not to mention your carefully nurtured soul, your roundly educated mind, and your sardonic wit. You should bring her gifts every day for the rest of her life in gratitude for everything she sacrificed to give you the best possible life. When your hamster died while you were in third grade, who brought you home from school so you could give Hermie a proper burial? When your goldfish both died while you were at your friend's house playing Nintendo, who told you she gave those little guys a loving and ceremonious flushing, instead of letting on that the cat had eaten them? Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that. And who saved Green Stamps for three years to get you the Iggy the Inchworm toy, and never mind that by the time it came you were nine and didn't want it any more? All for you, who didn't remember to send her a Mother's Day card last year! You, who didn't buy her what she really wanted for her birthday -- no, she really wanted something nice from that store over on the boulevard. If you loved and respected her and appreciated everything she ever did for your miserable self, you would know without being told, wouldn't you? You know what? Don't bother. That's right, if you care so little for her, don't you worry about birthday presents. She probably won't even live that long. And if she's in the hospital next week, she'll be just fine without a visit from you. What? Oh, no, nothing's wrong, but she's just saying "if," like if for some reason she ended up in the hospital, she'd be fine, just fine. Maybe one of your sisters might find time for old Mom, but don't you trouble yourself.

Yes, a few minutes restful conversation would certainly help me relax, unwind, and appreciate all that is good in life. How about you?