I saw the Buffalo Bills (!) beat the dog shit out of the Miami Dolphins (FUCKIN BOOOOOO!) But I almost didn't. Three times,

The story goes like this. I was part of a large group that all bought tickets and would be taking charter busses to the game. Right on time at 10 A.M. the busses arrived. Every single one of em. Except mine. No big deal. Couldn't be that long right?

2 hours later...

SONOFABITCH!

Throughout that two hour span of homicidal rage and attempted voodoo, many calls were made to the driver. No matter how many times we called, or how long a space rested between those calls, he always claimed to be on the same street two blocks away.

Then the words were spoken that sent chills down our spine and confirmed our worst fears. "He doesn't speak very good English."

SONOFABITCH!

Finally he arrives smelling of sweat and failure. He indeed spoke no form of English I ever heard and his accent could be only that of a small tribe of as of yet undiscovered retards living atop a nuclear power plant.

So with very little hope of ever making it to the game we all boarded our foreign smelling charter bus and took our seats. One of our number asked the driver if he knew where he was going and received a positive sounding chittering in response.

SONOFABITCH!

For a while everything went smoothly. We sat around enjoying beverages and snacks, laughing and abusing our failure of a bus driver. It was good times. Then someone looked out the wind shield. "Um, we're going to Disney Land!"

Silence. The kind of silence that makes you confess to shit no one asked about. I stifled my urge to confess to staring up one of the girl's skirts earlier and looked up at the sign we were heading for. An arrow pointing down our path said "Orlando."

Someone rushed forward to tell the driver of this mistake. I wish he hadn't. Suddenly the driver jerked the wheel to the right. The bus lunged forward and sideways at the same time and threatened to kill God knows how many other drivers as it made its way to the proper exit. Which just so happened to wind around a large lake. That the bus driver just so happened to get inches from. Inches we just so happened not to be able to see, because the turn was on an incline, and the bus was now tipping over water.

SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!

We made it to the game without any more adventures that I can recall. I can't be sure because alot of that day has been manually removed from my brain with a spoon I fashioned out of a big stick.