I do not operate with much sense period. To take one of my major, god-given, senses away, you better bring back-up.

However, since returning to school, the thought of losing my hearing shows some appeal.

Back in my Saved-By-the-Bell-era school days, we didn’t come to class toting a laptop. Nowadays? Every student squishes themselves and their mammoth laptops into shoulder-to-shoulder rows and SLAMS their fingers down on the keys.

Worse, some chicks have fingernails the size of talons and use the tips of their acrylic investment to type out their notes.

Tapety-tap-tap-tap-tap. Tapety-tap-tap-tap-tap.

Then there’s the open-mouth, cow-chewing, slap of these students eating their lunch. In class. The crunch of their Cheetos. In class. The smack and pop of their bubble gum. In class.

Smack, suck, crunch, pop. Smack, suck, crunch, pop.

You’d think the onslaught of tapping and farm-animal noise would distract enough of us to form our own little corner of silence. But, no.

Tapety-tap-tap-tap-tap. Smack, suck, crunch, pop. Tapety-tap-tap-tap-tap. Smack, suck, crunch, pop. Tapety-tap-tap-tap-tap. Smack, suck, crunch, pop. Tapety-tap-tap-tap-tap. Smack, suck, crunch, pop.

The professor, of course, is firing out questions at inhuman decibels. Hands are flying in the air knocking over papers and coffee mugs. The wannabe stand-up comedian is practicing his gig at the expense of the class within whispered earshot behind you. The girl next to you is asking you what page we’re on. The guy in front of you has YouTube up and thinks no one else can hear.

And all your mind registers is...I. Can’t. THINK!

You want to shove an ice pick in your ear and plunge into a world of silence!

Or find yourself a prescription for ADD.

Whatever it takes to make it stop.

Think I’d look funny walking around town with noise-canceling headphones over my ears all the time?