I don't really like mobile phones. At all. Not only do they severely damage your ego (think you feel your phone vibrating. It isn't... ever) (she doesn't text you... ever) (NOBODY texts you... ever) (everyone else gets texts whilst your phone is languising, unused in your pocket), you are forced to part with £30 each month for some dumbass contract just so you can send 1000 texts a month, and spend 400 inane minutes of your life talking to some other inane idiot who has nothing better to do with his/her life than talk to you.

On the odd occasion your phone does ring (Oh god! Not O2 again!) you've forgotten to change your ringtone from that novely christmas spin off tune and Jingle Bells chimes out for all to hear. In June.

And then there's the keeping up with the Jones' aspect. Facebook for mobile? Why? INTERNET in general on your phone? Are you taking the piss?

I mean really, it was a mistake my last phone fell in the toilet.

Ps; they fry your brain.