With America(TM)'s economy in California Mode* we've had to outsource our puppy making factories to far off lands of mysterious moralities. But with China busy making very slanty goo goo eyes at Russia we were forced to turn to Italy.

As its too heavy to make fake gold chains and watches with, the Italians don't believe in lead. Without this precious bonding agent the Italians had no choice but to turn to their humble land's most abundant resource;** marinara sauce. While this industrious move marks a rare victory for Italian scientists, it does bring its own unique set of problems.

While products like OxiClean and Chipoltleway negate the dangers of marinara covered puppy stains, little can be done about America(TM)'s greatest enemy; the Chinese. Gripped by Yellow Fever,*** spurred on by the promise of even tastier puppy meat, its only a matter of time before the Chinese invade our virgin shores.

Compromised by an unstoppable influx of Godless commies, our pure, unquestionable and unshakable Jewdao-Christian beliefs will find themselves both questioned and shaken. Unable to stand up under the crushing weight of minor inconsistencies and the rare scientifically disproven fact**** our very moral fabric will tear like jeans on a fat ass.

Governments will crumble. Gayness will run rampant. Pat Robertson will kill himself*****

But perhaps scariest of all will be the backlash from 300,000,000 Americans(TM) when they're forced to slightly adjust their lifestyles. That would bring a mess not even Billy Mays could clean up.


*AKA Code "OH MY GOD WHY WON'T IT STOP BURNING?!"
**Excluding mustachioed women. They make horrible bonding agents.
***A terrible and often lethal condition in which the victim is sent into a violent, Hulk-like rage at the sight, sent, or mention of cats and dogs. Often found in the poorer, hungrier Asian countries.
****6,000 years vs billions?! Now you're just splitting hairs, science.
*****I never said it would be all bad.