This season, I was the first to get the sneeze-nasties. It's not for me to say whether I got it the worst, but I'm responsible for starting it spreading amongst my peeps - making me the head vampire, if you will. I'm glad nobody staked me, thinking it would cure them.

Tip #1: no staking.

So all my recent experience of fighting of the evil bugalug has left me full of good advice for would-be cold warriors. As well as the usual cold symptoms - bad nose, throat and head, along with chills and a high temperature - I got a chest infection that felt as though I was trying to breathe through wads of cotton wool stuffed into my lungs. Passing along all these nasties made me pretty unpopular for a few weeks, I tells ya.

Tip #2: lots and lots of hot toddies.

Even before I got sick, my beloved Will developed a toddy recipe that works wonders. It involves a mug of boiling water, a spoon or two of honey depending on the size of the mug, about the same amount of lemon juice, a shot of whisky, and, if you're feeling brave, a Beechams powder. Stir it all up and drink it down before it gets cold. As well as warming your chills, the lemon and whisky act as antiseptics and general bug-killing devices. The honey soothes your sore throat and makes the whole concotion taste a lot nicer.

The powder - the best on the market, better than Lemsip - should only be added to the mix when you're feeling super-crappy, because the nice floaty feeling you get from the combination of booze and medication is highly addictive in your fragile state, and cannot be recommended by anyone. Nosireebob. Nuh-uh.

Tip #3: as much hot curry as you can handle.

Come on, you hardly think I'm going to pass up an opportunity to recommend the food of my ancestors, do you? I can, will, and have already waxed lyrical about the numerous health benefits of a well-made curry, but when you've got a cold, I recommend the hottest one you can eat. The hot spices will clear out your sinuses, and the main ingredient, turmeric, is an antiseptic and anti-inflammatory to stop you getting blocked up again. Cumin will boost your immune system, and pepper will help you to sweat out your cold.

Make sure you eat a big one too. Remember the old saying: "feed a cold, starve a fever." Go on and smother that nasty ol' bug with food. I went through bucketfuls of chicken madras to squish those sneezes. Ah, perfection.

Tip #4: stay indoors at all costs.

The biggest mistake I made was leaving the house in my condition. Once the cold air got to my lungs, it was game over - I ended up being kept awake all night, wheezing and spluttering. If you really need the fresh air, open a window and wrap up as warm as you can. Exposure to any sort of cold is a bad plan. Big quilts, hot water bottles and sweaters that are five sizes too big - all good. Cold drinks and ice cream - bad. Which leads me to...

Tip #5: avoid dairy.

I know from experience with hayfever that dairy does bad things to a sniffly nose - namely, blocking it up good and proper. You don't want that. If you're going to drink milk, warm it up first and sprinkle a little cinnamon over it. (I discovered whilst ill that this will certainly cheer up a poorly soul.) But stay away from chilled or frozen dairy! I had a tub of Half-Baked sat in the freezer for two weeks because I wasn't well enough to eat it. Torture.

Tip #6: rest, rest and more rest.

You're not going to get better if you're up and about, worrying over things that are ten times harder to do because you're ill. The sooner you feel better, the sooner you can get things done, and the quickest way to get better is to do nothing at all. So wrap up, get as much sleep as you can, do some light reading (happy stories to keep your spirits up), watch some DVDs (hours of stand-up worked for me, particularly Bill Hicks and George Carlin) and concentrate on nothing but feeling better.

I was in a bad way for a good couple of weeks, but with the state I was in, I would have been ill for a lot longer if it hadn't been for all these little remedies. Straight-up medication hardly ever cures the sneeze-nasties, so it's good to share around the homemade fixer-uppers when cold season comes a-knockin'.