There was a period in my life where I read basically every joke (and their different variations) on the Internet. I really have no idea why I did such an inane thing, but that means that 99% of the time, you can't tell me a joke I haven't heard before. You'll have to impress me in another way, loser.

With that said, here's a recreation of one of the first jokes I ever read that turned me into some weird little joke-reading robot:

(May be tl;dr.)

Heaven was really busy one day, so St. Peter decided that he would only let in one third of the people for the day. He decided that whoever had the worst deaths would be able to get in first.

He went up to the first person and asked how he died.

"Well, I had suspected that my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early to try to catch her in the act. When I opened the door, I heard the shower running, so I checked around the apartment to see if I could find the other guy. I went into my bedroom to see the fucker trying to climb down the balcony! So I tried pushing him off, but he held on! I grabbed a hammer to try to crush his fingers and he finally let go, but he landed in the bushes, alive! So I pushed my refrigerator out the window and it crushed him to death, but then I felt so guilty about what I did that I shot myself."

St. Peter nodded sympathetically and moved onto the second person and asked how he died.

"I had just bought a new exercise tape, so I was trying the moves out on my balcony. Somehow, I lost my balance and fell over, but I managed to hold on to the balcony railing below mine. All of a sudden, some crazy guy comes out of nowhere and starts screaming and trying to push me off!! I fought back as hard as I could to hold to on, but he came out with a hammer and crushed all the bones in my fingers. Luckily, I fell in some bushes, alive, but then something big like a refrigerator came over me and now I'm here."

St. Peter nodded sympathetically and moved onto the third person and asked how he died.

"Imagine this: you're naked, in a refrigerator..."

P. S.
A bus full of nuns crashed and they promptly went up to Heaven. St. Peter went to the first nun and asked if she had ever touched a man's penis.

"Yes, but only with the tip of my finger."

"Dip that finger in that font of Holy Water and say one Hail Mary."

She did so, and St. Peter went to the second nun and asked if she had ever touched a man's penis.

"Yes, but only with my hand."

"Dip that hand in that font of Holy Water and say three Hail Mary's."

She did so, and St. Peter went to the third nun and asked if she had ever touched a man's penis, but before she could answer, the fourth nun pushed her out of the way and yelled, "I"m not gargling in that crap after she dunks her ass in!"