Positive pregnancy test

Share my scars? I have one scar in my belly button and one right above my pelvic bone. But they are more emotional scars than physical. After the birth of my second daughter I made the decision to have my tubes tied. I was 21 with two little girls, no real way to support them, no car, and a failing relationship. I wanted to make sure I couldn’t have another child until I was ready. By no means to I regret my daughters, but if I could go back, yes there would have been more planning and better decisions involved.

That said, let’s fast forward two and a half years. I’m in a much better place. I’m going back to school to be a paralegal, I own my own car, my girls are in Head Start and Preschool, both doing extremely well. I am engaged to the love of my life, the man that has always been there for me through all my ups and downs, and we are looking to buy a house in the next few months. I’ve been crying at every sentimental commercial or slightly rude comment that gets thrown my way lately. I chalked it up to the emotions of moving, getting settled, and dealing with school. Then it hits me smack in the face as I’m throwing up in the bathroom at the pool just down the street from our house… OMG Am I pregnant??

After a couple more days of high emotions, a bit of nausea, and realizing how much weight I really have put on lately, I picked up some pregnancy tests while I was at the store. A million things are going through my head. Am I ready for this? Is he ready for this? Can we support three? And yet, through the worry I get excited. Yes, excited. I realize I want to be pregnant. I have this internal drive that I want another child, and I want it NOW. I probably will never be able to have another child naturally, but I have this undeniable, selfish, female urge.

I took the first pregnancy test while my fiance was at work and my youngest was down for a nap. It was negative. I was relieved a little, but skeptical at the same time. I still wanted to be pregnant and it was a week or so until I was due for my period. Now in my head I’ve even gone so far as planning how I would tell my fiance I was pregnant, if I was. I wouldn’t want him to find out by seeing a stick I peed on. I would want it to be more special than that.

That night when he came home we were laying on the couch together watching TV and he patted my stomach and asked me when we were due. (Now this might sound like a really insensitive thing for a man to do, but keep in mind that he knows I think I might be pregnant, and he also knows I hate my weight gain but am too lazy to do anything about it right now. In his opinion if I can complain about it and not do anything, he can poke fun of it a bit.) This time I must have made a funny face because then he asked if I had taken the test already. I told him yes and he got a bit huffy asking what it said. “Well duh! If I were pregnant I wouldn’t not tell you…” Then he went on to tell me that he would have liked to have been here when I did it. I asked him why and was about to say more, but he took the words right out of my mouth by telling me not to say that it was private. In my opinion, I think when that moment of uncertainty meets pregnant or not pregnant, it is a very private event for a woman. What do you think?