Lynn - Plinky Answers

My first job:

2012-05-17T13:05:06-05:00

My first work experience was when I was 17, it was the summer leading into my Senior year of high school. And I thought it was amazing! It was just a lil 3 by 4 drive thru coffee hut. and I met so many people from so many different walks of life. Met someone from my hometown in Oklahoma even. It was a great experience... I met some good people some pretty bad people but all in all for a teenager in High school it was a great experience it was the best job and who can really say other wise the pay was great and tips were sweet as can be. it was pretty great.

I worry all the time

2012-05-04T13:09:15-05:00

I'm worried about not making a suitable life for my daughter. I worry about not graduating college.... Working two jobs, going to school and still trying to be the best damn mother I can be to my daughter is the thing that has me worried. sometimes I find myself crying because I feel I'm failing, I worry that as much as I strive it'll be for nothing... I worry my daughter may hate me for trying so hard..
I worry she'll be ashamed of me because things that most girls want I never wanted, never felt I needed it i,e. Marriage (even though I have been married twice), owned my own home, car, a steady and well paying job.... I worry that with effort I'll damage my relationship with her..... I worry about bills being paid on time.
I worry..... I worry about how I know I want my daughter to be... For the love of God I pray she is nothing like me. I can't imagine that sweet beautiful face ever do some of things I have done, seen the things I have seen, cry over the things that caused the bloodiest of tears.. I want her to grow up into a smarter young woman than I..... I want her to know that she has no limits, that she can in fact be the best, if she works towards it. I want her to expand her horizons and not expand just to fit a cliche of what others are doing... I want my daughter to lead and lead proud.... I want to see her strive and achieve. I want the best for her. For the life of me I want the very best life has to offer her. I wish I could give her the best things in life can offer her. I want to protect her from every hurt, scrap bump in the road.Because I'm her mother. And I worry every damn day that hopefully I'll make the correct decisions to show her whats appropriate and whats not.

Set Up Shop

2012-05-04T10:51:54-05:00

To own a business and create a decent revenue is something that has been a seed planted into my head ever since my first and favorite job got shut down.

When I was younger. I worked in a coffee shop, and met many different people from many walks of life. Police officers, Firemen, Lawyers, Construction workers, City employees, Cowboys even, Tribal Chairmen, The state Senate came in once, men and women who worked in the BIA, and Grants for children education. The Dean of the university was a regular. Having that job to walk up to every morning was worth everything to me. I absolutely loved that job I made $200.00 in tips every other day and about $75 and some odd cents and at the time in highschool that was pretty amazing.

Now that it's shut down there isn't any good coffee unless you make your own special coffee or buy it at the gas station, which lets face is not all that amazing or spectacular. So a bunch of my regulars from the shop I had worked with before, had come up to me and said you were the manager, you ran the shop, and had all the things down pact. Start your own coffee business. And now in the university I'm in, and not having a place where you can get snacks and good special coffees and do your homework at the same time. I been pondering the idea for a while. My idea would be a little bit different. I would make it into a relaxing, modern. I would only do a front lobby for homework consumers and a drive thru. Best thing a bout coffee is that it's supposed to be fast and easy.

Building a House

2012-05-04T10:26:02-05:00

I would build a quaint little cottage style home, out in the country. But a little more modern that the average or older version one thing I've always wanted with a home of my own from my child and I is a porch that goes all around the house. And a nice deck in the back. I would want a split level the kitchen, living room and a small bathroom downstairs. Upstairs would consist of my room and my daughters room down the hall and a full bathroom. I would want red oak wood finish on all the wood furnishings, each big room or important room will have a wall with a bay window in it. I would want it painted in an off white or vanilla color. to give it a warm, cozy feeling plus that color matches practically everything. I would decorate it to be ours, and to make it a home for my daughter.

On Abandoned Buildings

2011-06-28T09:19:56-05:00

Abandoned Building

Very cool to me actually i really actually since i live in the country i love to explore old run down barns lol. In Okc i explored an old apartment building with some friends and saw old things furniture, blankets, photos i even found some old journals it was really cool

My road-trip mix tape

2011-06-26T20:12:46-05:00

She's country by jason aldean

Stupid girl by Cold

hailey's song by Eminem

An Engaging Conversation

2011-06-26T14:45:21-05:00

Its been a long while since i had a really good conversation with anyone. I think right now my flash drive and the documents i wrote are the only good conversation right now well not in that selfish i love my voice but because, i was taught when i form a quick reaction that you play devils advocate with yourself make sure what your standing up for makes sense and make sure your doing it in a positive rational way so right now the back and forth of situations that im having with myself on my writing like my MLA paper im really having a hard time deciding if i should domestic violence or the bubonic plague.. One i know about from experience and my current "spouse/ partner " would say im very neglectful and hateful where as the bubonic plague was an old fascination i had in highschool and later elementary. Or Bush and Palin i hate both but who would i decide was a more positive outlook, or Mormonism which is what i was raised as vs Catholic and christianity. or something soo easy like whats better and why chevy or dodge ( Personally i think im leaning on dodge even though i own a chevy) lol you see i like a good debate with a reason. and sometimes its hard to find a contender lol

In defense of my vice:

2011-06-25T22:24:43-05:00

i am a Vanilla PrimeTime smoker i love it its a tiny cigar smaller than a cigarette but it takes a good while to smoke it all. The smell of it was what got me soo addicted to it i love that musky vanilla warm smell i always felt calm when i smelt it. And the only reason i gave them up is because im pregnant and i can assure you that once my baby girl is born ill be started up thats one craving that really irritated me to give up lol

always soothes me when I'm stressed

2011-06-25T22:11:51-05:00

Well the food and drink that i loved on a hard stressful week or day or month for that matter before i got pregnant was always at this truck stop bb-q place right off the highway just behind Norman, OK named Rudy's it was the place for a good swish of Amber Bock hitting the back of your throat and the turkey bb-q sandwhich was just amazing nothing could make that taste wrong it was amazing it was a nice down home feel i miss that place so much lol it was really the scene i liked when i needed a break.

My advice

2011-06-25T02:01:02-05:00

Love will not make you happy; you must make yourself truly happy then you will find love. I think thats a great piece of advice but ive got my own responses to that tho lol

My fear of Love and why

2011-06-25T00:40:55-05:00

I've had this fear since i got my heart broken the by this guy that i dated in highschool. I met him when i 17, the summer after junior yr ended. I had just started my first job ever at this small coffee shop called Noella's coffee shop and during that first week or so no one really caught my eye no one really appealed to me, although i really loved the job. But one wednesday i saw this guy in khaki pants, jail house slippers, with a white beater complete with tattoos, dark skin, dark sunglasses and a fedora... All he did was pass and nod at me and kept walking ( back then i had an ego soo big that if someone i liked didnt walk up to me when i wanted them to i took it as a challenge or offense) well all i did was literally break neck i just stared at him walking away knowing that i had to know who this guy was he was mysterious i never seen a man like him but i had to have him.
well every day he would stroll by at 12:30 or so and do the usually nod sometimes he would smile but he always kept walking. Within two weeks i found out that his younger sister was a regular ( i never let on how much i liked him) i found out he was from new mexico and a player ( of course i took that as yea let me play him and ill break him; hey like i said everything was a game and challenge ) well as fate would have it lol I had a shipment and needed help with unloading along with the longest line ever. so my awesome co-worker stopped by to hangout and help lol and all of a sudden after the costumer rush and the unloading was done i hear a shriek followed by "omg richie!!!" I turned to see who my co-worker was excited about and i saw him.
After an introduction of telling him my name and him shaking my hand and looking at me really intensely... I never met someone who i couldnt look straight into the eyes i was like i was losing a personal battle. i couldnt look at him almost like he had a aura of sun around him, or in him. I was completely charmed, excited, scared, and naked, and completely exposed he was the most intense person ive ever met. I had to walk away from him i couldnt look at him so i did my best to do what i usually did to attract someone ( c'mon lol seriously i finally met him i had to at least try and hook him) and walked away making an excuse to clean up the rest of the boxes left from the shipments. When he left my co-worker knew what was up she saw me. and she said yea i went to school with him, told me his full name, etc. i got a pretty good background about him. and i heard the line i wanted and needed to hear that she would "hook us up" so she and i started to work togather all the time. and when he came i would go next door to "use the bathroom" and she would work her magic to hook us up finally while i was working alone i saw him and he stopped by for the usual casual talk and he asked for my number.. I was beyond happy. That next few weeks it was nothing but calls that lasted for hours, lunch dates and him stopping by my work , and flowers. I had fallen in love and too infatuated to know it. He was everything i had ever wanted. I met his grandma i hung out with his sister who was four yrs younger than him he was 26. I finally met him mom within 4 months we were never away from each other. i actually cut all my other suitors off i became "miss devoted" i wanted him forever. i was his girl
and i was the happiest girl ever but after a while i started picking up some odd things i found girls numbers in his phone, everywhere we went we had a pissed off female audience ( of course that made me kinda egotistical and in your face haha ) and his drinking was out of control and his friends always got in the way and some days i would be his sisers personal babysitter while the whole group him included went running around. Things went from good to bad. 8 months later i still hadnt slept with him and he was getting angrier about it, so much that during the third month of my senior year he showed up before my classes started DRUNK!!!! he actually grabbed my arms so hard i had bruises so dark they lasted a month. and my lower back was completely bruised from where he pushed me into a pole. That was the first time he made me cried. all he kept saying was when are you give it up, when are you gonna actually give me body and soul. i was scared and a lil ashamed i thought i was my fault because he been togather for 8 months and we didnt do anything im soo happy how could i do that? (crazy right) my two close favorite teachers saw the whole thing and came to my rescue they let me stay in their rooms and let me cry they understood they but they think i need better.....
After that incident everything went down hill instead of going home after school i went straight to his house and i got rid of most of friends i hardly talked to anyone i isolated my self from everyone i stopped talking to my old co-worker i stopped everything that i would normally do.
Then one day in january after still not giving it up and my world revolving around him he decided to go back to new mexico because hed been on the run long enough. so i let him go we agreed to stay in a long distance relationship and all i could think of was "who is with, what is he doing, that i loved him, but i hated him for this insanely hurtful feeling,"
soon within the span of five months we broke up but would call to piss and eachother and send eachother into a jealous rage. Then i decided i need to stop living in the constant reminder of R,H,R (his initials that i have tattooed on my wrist but that didnt happen til the year 2010) so what better way to get over a guy than intensely throw yourself into a project? i asked one of my rescuers from the day he came to the school. and said i wanna do what you do i dont wanna be stuck anymore, make me a firefighter (richard was my personal fire battle) so i worked out i totally did my self over. and then one day I passed my physical and pack test i did soo great i was happy.. But guess who calls i half way thought "huh this fool" but my happiness needed to be shared and i had not called anyone to tell them the news so i answered and said i made it i passed the test to take the training course to be a firefighter!!! i was soo unbelievably proud. and he said well im hitch hiking back. back here to the town he left me at. and he wanted things to work out and such because he caught another charge on his criminal record so i said that id be here when he entered town....... And soon when he came my career focus drifted quickly i started to avoid family and friends again and since i turned 18 in november i decided that i was wanted to move over to his sisters and his house. and again things were filled with his drinking watching him smoke, babysitting his annoying niece and putting up with his bs friends, but this time i gave it up and that just became our lonely connection if we werent fucking, we were fighting and putting holes into the walls and throwing jealous fits, so much that i started to imitate him. I started cheating, sneaking around, and became more and more bitchy... to every one i started to not care but if i wasnt around him i was miserable. i couldnt get away my lust for him became my enemy i was lost that girl i used to be.
then i found out i was pregnant...he and i were helping out his grandma by reconstructing her kitchen and i came down with the "stomach flu"and i went to the doctor to get checked out well at the E.R they automatically piss test you for drugs and for pregnancy and so anyways sitting in the room on my own thinking that ill just get my meds and go back to normal well the doc came in and said well your two months pregnant and your extremely under weight. My whole world grew happy and then massively dropped. I was happy because after sex we always discussed kids and family life with eachother but it dropped because did i really want a baby i couldnt even handle his niece, and he and i were always fighting, plus his drinking and heroin addictions mixed with his and my jealous fits were completely unfit for an unborn child or a new born for that matter. so i decided i wouldnt tell him and i didnt i said oh its just the flu. and we got into a fight one night and i decided to walk over at his grandmas were he decided to sleep at and we got into in her drive way and i could smell Old English on his breath and we started pushing eachother and he hit me and pushed me to the ground. i noticed i started to bleed all i could do was cry. because though i was indecisive about what to do about the baby and not telling anyone til i found out i was hurt i knew that i lost his baby he didnt know about. and i walked calling my mom to come get me at 3am and she came i never told her all i said was tomorrow i need to go to the E.R and i went and they took what they could or however or whatever it is out of me they took the undeveloped fetus out. within a week he had changed his number and found a new girl and i came to get my things and left the stated to be with some other family i had to get away i couldnt be in the same town with him loving him, hating him, heartbroken over him and my loss that he or anyone else knew about. I felt soo alone so i left and there was nothing he could do about it. then he called the night i was on the bus about to make my last stop to my destination. and i remember clearly saying "You have some fucking nerve to be calling me right now, have you any idea what youve done to me?! Im gone and theres no getting me back" and he said "oh yea well i was only calling to hear your voice and that im going back home because i cant be in the same town as you missing you so ill leave you alone" i laughed and said " well i beat you why dont you stay where you belong im gone i already left im not in mission im not in sd im in kansas and soon ill leave to another state and i dont ever want to hear from you again i dont care how bad you think you feel you dont know what or how bad i feel that i let us go on for soo long i need to be away from you" and i hung up. with in two weeks of being in ft. scott kansas i got a swirl of e-mails, texts, phone calls and voice mails all saying the same that that he was coming to look for me, and that he needed me and was sorry by that time i was still angry that remorse and being heartbreak hadnt settled in yet. my anger was the only thing keeping me away from him.
Then moving to Norman, Oklahoma came i lived with my aunt and we split rent and expenses and i was becoming the old me again only i had some tender scars when certain things came up i finally spilled to my aunt about what happened with that man in the past and i.
Then one day around June that summer of 2010 his sister called me and said hey girl how you doing hope your doing good and my bro wants to talk to you. hes locked up he was drunk hitchhiking to kansas and got picked up and sent back to new mexico. you should write him and let him know how your doing. (by that time i had alot of things i wanted to say but i wasnt soo angry anymore) and so i wrote him and made contact. my aunt hated it she didnt understand but to tell you the truth i didnt either he still has no idea bout what happened. but anyways we got caught up again and six months i wrote everday to him. and got a call from him once a week. i thought things would get better i even got his initials tattooed on my left wrist. and in january i left to new mexico when he got released with no money in my pocket and no plan 15 days later i got sent back to Oklahoma and new brand of heartbreak on my heart. i knew i would never see him again. At that time i was 19 and i moved to my old hometown stillwater ok and met up with an ex who never did me that way mr routzen treated me and i married him after three months. and i made the notion to brag to the man who still had my heart and three days later he pictured texted me his marriage certificate to the girl who always caused a fight between us. and tattooed her name on his neck. how ironic isnt it? anyways i ended up getting annulled twice from the same guy from stillwater and then i finally left the last time realizing...
Im not meant to be the girl a man would love, im the you have fun with for a week or so or a month and then leave or send on her way.... Love wasnt for me... and when someone tried to devote themselves to me i would push them away. i started sleeping around trying to fill the void if anyone reminded me of my heartbreaker, my beautiful mess of a train wreck i would own them for an hour and send them on they're way i started to like fucking someone and then make them leave i loved that power of kicking someone out and waking up alone ( i still very much love waking up alone) and any guy to say the word love or kids,, they were dissed and dismissed men to me only became a game, to me men were good for only one thing and one thing only and sometimes that one things they couldnt even do that right. men were my plaything and i didnt care how much i hurt anyone. seeing gal pals going thru heartbreaks and guy issues i didnt understand why they tried so hard only to get burned. I refused to let my heart soften. And after a couple family members noticing my habit of suitor after suitor my new job as a stripper and bartender and bouncer at a couple clubs they convinced me to go to counseling knowing that this habit was in retaliation to my past with richard. I was on a major power trip and making that habit my new way of being in control.
My counselor broke me i hated her so much.... She told me that i still loved him that if he was to walk into my home id fall and let him seduce me like all the time before and id never be able to break the pattern. all i had to do was admit it. and be honest with myself. She broke me a number of times and soon i became softer and nicer and not soo bitter... Men who sounded, or looked like him from the back, or laughed the same no longer lured me or irritated me. He couldnt destroy me like before... And i started to actually meet good guys; however the word love, family, kids. was a deal breaker. I met an guy who graduated school before me and was in the army he was a gentlemen called me sweetie, and cutesy nicknames i really liked him and after almost two months of facebooking and texting and talking on the phone i thought about actually being the miss devoted girl again but in a more positive, stable way. everyone liked him everyone approved unlike how they acted about richard. but anyways in november last year he asked me to come visit him and meet his family in SD and get to know him better in person and i was supposed to last a week. But i had hard time getting back home due to family issues and stayed with him for three weeks and even though i was on depo ( form of birth control) we didnt use condoms i ended up pregnant. and all i wanted to was to be left alone. Now im close my due date and i still talk to my daughters father we are not togather because we just dont want to be but were friends and taking responsibility and keeping in touch to this day even though i actually liked hince LIKED my daughters father i refuse to be with him. He made the ultimate dealbreaker with out meaning to i got pregnant. lol I still now remain skittish bout love i refuse to fall. It wont happen i also dont want my daughter to grow up to me saying "i just want someone to love me" because i dont have someone to fill by bed with. I refuse love with a significant other. Men still remain a toy, but not in the way the used to be now its more of i just dont care to care bout you if some guy offers up a friendly invitation i refuse it. platonic or not i refuse. I refuse to be that girl. I think friends, family, my work and my daughter should be enough to keep me going... Why should by heart be defined by a man. I fear love and hate it at the same time i refuse to be weak again. i refuse to try and be the girl that im just not anymore love is a merely a trick to get us to reproduce and incubate drama in our lives and i want no part of it.. I love my unborn daughter but i refuse to go thru pregnancy and love again.

Decisions, Decisions

2011-06-24T22:17:34-05:00

Well thats pretty difficult i am pretty indecisive about everything. Whether its Abortion to Pro- life, to being a single mom to not being a single mom, to views on how being with a man in the service leaves you no lonelier to a man in prison ( i keep a variety of exes), dodge or chevy ( grew up on both).... You can quite imagine on how bad i am on some things. But i love a good argument and sometimes i believe if you catch me on a certain mood that youll get an exact response regardless of my personal battle on the total belief its self.

What I Wish I Had More Time For

2011-06-23T09:20:59-05:00

Honestly working out and reading. Both calm me down, both relieve stress for me. I wish that after all this is over (my pregnancy ) that ill be able to get back into the swing of running, strength training, and my self- defense classes. But you can count on when i get that new schedule of how things are gonna go with my lil girl that ill be back in the gym in no time.

My Best Friend from Childhood

2011-06-22T09:30:10-05:00

My best friend that i remember was literally the boy next door, his name was jacob and he was homeschooled. When we first met we hated each other didnt like eachother constantly got eachother into trouble then on the other side of my house another boy moved in and, well jacob decided that he and i should be first, after really getting to know him i learned that football was awesome, having a guy friend was kinda like having the best back up at park fights, i learned to fish and even went hunting once with him and his grandpa lol. Having a guy friend who listened to all the music i liked (back then it was selena, eminem when he started out, and some blues) were as he loved country and gospel. Well i wasnt much for gospel music so i learned that country music was cool. But during the fourth grade he moved due to his dad moving to another town for a better job

What I'm Saving Up to Buy

2011-06-22T00:26:45-05:00

Im currently saving up for my daughters' things lol. In my family we wait it the last two months or so before the birth to make sure baby will be here or not and regardless of ultrasound findings anything in just one gender color or gender outfitted material just in case baby pulled a fast one but after three ultrasounds i think its pretty definate that im having a girl lol
But just before shes due we are hitting the road to rapid to get some cool nice looking baby gear (crib, carseat, stroller, more clothes, etc)
then very soon with school and work and then in august when she gets here i plan to move out of my parents house ( i find it ridiculous to even be living at home i apprieciate it but come on im twenty yrs old with a baby) I refuse to be a reservation cliche ill never be a mom thatll leave her kid for the grandparents to take care of, I laid on my back spread my legs then i need to take full responsibility for her. shes my daughter for a reason ( i may have never liked kids but its my duty as her mother)
partly why i even told the dad you dont have to be there if you dont want to be just let me know and thatll be the end of it. But glad all the same that he chose on his own to be apart of her life. Thats all i could ever be happy about. But so far just baby gear and an apartment, and a car. so just making it happen in a smooth gesture is the hardest thing right now. Shes not even here yet and im exhausted.

If I Could Speak to a Family Member Who Has Passed

2011-06-22T00:09:22-05:00

I would want to talk my grandpa Ellis Watson. He was in the Navy and was known to be a patient kind hearted gentleman, really old fashion but understanding from the stories i hear about him. He passed just before i was born in 1990, due to cancer i dont remember which kind but i know that if he was still alive...
Things that us (my mom and i) the beatings and sexual and mental abuse would never have happened. My mom wouldnt have felt so lost (she was a daddys girl so much that she went into the navy too, to walk in his footsteps) i would have had a great male role model. (im a product of a rape case my dad was a naval officer and thats all i know about him besides what he might look like if i look in the mirror)
Anyways looking at all the things i did. Out of spite, pure rebellion, and just looking for attention. And all the things endured and being pushed on or under or just broken i can say that i truly believe that if he was here none of it would have ever happened.
I would want to ask him :

Did i make the criteria of being his descendant and if not how can get back up to par?
With him looking down did i do anything worth while?
And for some reason because he's such a mentor almost i would ask for forgiveness. Dont ask me why but i for someone who've i've never met his judgement would really get to me. Because he's got this history of being a respectable, yet understanding, compliant man.
I've never really ever met any man today who fits that definition ever. So to talk to him and know that about him i have to know what he thinks of me as a person.
I've got to know what type of person he would see if he saw me. And if its not good how to change it.

Hoping for Good News

2011-06-21T09:29:16-05:00

Happiness

The best news right now that i could recieve is....
Someone saying that i can actually relax that everything is going to okay. (not that theres' really anything bad happening) but that ill be okay my daughter when she gets here will be okay. That everything will fall exactly into place that she and i will be happy, secure, safe, and that everything. Ill get a good/better job. And ill be near good people close to us.. I think the best news is the news of reassurance

Can i really trust someone to be themselves online

2011-06-20T20:51:22-05:00

japanese mask

No i wouldn't use an online dating site.. Because you cannot trust what someone puts up as truth.. Hell the picture i have for my profile pic isn't me at all. lol its very easy to pass your self off as someone with less flaws, and more perfection. With men they are all charmers and gentlemen and women, well we've all been used by someone we loved or love and its a pity trip half the time (don't believe me just just check out a match.com) i did a thesis paper on human interaction on the internet. Its a breeding ground for a drama flare of personalization. No one on the internet with an actually picture of themselves plays on who they really are. Only when your hiding behind a made up picture hince fantasy art (like mine), black and white or color photography or even pictures of their kids. No one is who they typed themselves to be how i really that with this pregnant belly that i havent one stretch mark, how i wish i've never had a bad hair day, or looked a mess while sick in bed with the flu or how natural i look in a picture that took me an hour to capture yeah i wish i was all those things i maybe once or twice put on the internet. :)

How I'd Respond If I Bumped Into My Ex

2011-06-20T20:28:41-05:00

My first response, well at first i would want to talk to him naturally but then, I'd remember why we broke up before this pregnancy (result of just hooking up with a friend). I had a miscarriage due to his abuse, he married the girl he cheated on me with (and three days after i got hitched, clearly out of spite of what i did) he drank, cheated, shot heroin in his arm (don't i know how to pick 'em huh?) well with all that bad. I know i would have a certain weakness and remember the good that he did bring and then i would have this pain in my gut wanting to hold him and cry at the sametime. But now with my daughter on the way and a year and a half of not seeing him. Him married but not with her anymore (ppl make a note to tell me he's too broke to divorce) and me annulled from my ex-husband. I would hold my chin up scramble to think of something else put all focus on what im currently doing, stay silent and not even acknowledge him if he did say some thing or tried to do anything to get my attention. I know i would do this because i have done it.
He definately changed this girl from being weak, and useless to a woman fully capable to stand on her own without worrying of acception of a man.

My Idea of Perfect Weather

2011-06-15T20:20:28-05:00

Sunny rain

Honestly i love sunny rains. When its sprinkling and its bright out and you can see the sky I love those they seem really unique to me. The few I've experienced so far were really nice the weather wasn't hot nor was it cold it was subtle. I really just enjoyed it felt so calm, so clean that, it put me in awe of it. To me thats the perfect weather day. I love the sun shining but i cant deny the rain.

The Best Musical Performance I've Attended

2011-06-15T19:52:32-05:00

The best performance i went to was at Tumbleweeds in Stillwater, OK and Gretchen Wilson (country singer) was playing there she sounds just as awesome live as she does on the radio.
I had a major blast also somehow i say this with some happiness because i wasn't really a negative experience it was the first time i ever smoked a joint. I had way to many beers, alcohol was pouring. I danced, i laughed, I got into a fight with a mother and daughter at the same time not something I'm extremely proud of but at the sametime believe in why i did it. I played pool with friends.. And sang along to every word, of every song.. I was like i was really living i was having a care free moment in time. The atmosphere that she brought into the room bringing everyone to a honky tonk good time was incredible.. An absolute great performance

10 Things to do Before 2012

2011-06-15T10:04:33-05:00

Happy 2010

I really want to get at least two semesters of school done (summer and fall) and I really want to start working out again after i have this baby so losing the baby weight is a priority goal for me. I would like to have a new job and car. I would like to have some new goals set up... I really want to read an extensive
American literature list. I would like to be ready to live out on my own again. And i would like to actually be able to register into an AP class i want to over achieve everything.

If I Could Only See for a Day

2011-06-14T09:15:45-05:00

sunset on goulais bay...

I would choose a day in the future

Honestly i would want to see how my daughter was, i would want to see if she was happy, is she tall, short, i would want to see her laugh. I think i would want to see how far i've come compared to now. The success i would want to see. Whether it was on paper or not. I would want that day filled with color, and the ideal word for beauty. I would want to see my family and friends see how they changed. See if i think their faces match their voice or not. Id want to know how my brother and sister looks,are they happy? Id want to walk out into the pasture at dusk. Just to see the sky. Id want it to bright and vigorous. Id want to immediately see and be amazed by brightness.

My Childhood Dream Job

2011-06-11T21:02:01-05:00

When i was younger I really wanted to be a criminal investigator. As a child i had this uncanny snooping kind of habit, if i wanted to know something about someone or if i wanted to just research something. Nothing and no one could stop me. Prying layers and layers of back finding something out was exhilarating back then. Kind of like knowing if my mom bought me something for christmas or not finding it and seeing the evidence that it was going to mine was amazing, or hidden mysteries of certain people.
Sometimes finding out information just because it would benefit me or friends even family was amazing. Knowing that someone thinks that they've up'ed on you and your final move leaves them dumb-founded was always satisfying.

An Author I Admire

2011-06-11T20:48:38-05:00

Normally this question would have been tough to decide but recently. Over the past few years one author has caught my attention and kept me interested even though I've read it numerous times. Cody McFadyen would be my choice he's written a few books all about the same character. And this character is so captivating. And how well he writes and keeps your mind focused on comprehending what he's describing is insanely genius. Everything has an image and every image follows you and creeps into you as you progress in the books. Each story falls on a certain character of the book without seeming boring, or overplayed everything written is for a reason. His writing is so intelligent, gut wrenching and completely individual that all you want to do is to keep reading.
To find out to write like that to make someone easily see what your writing is a technique i would be honored to learn from him.

A Celebrity I'd Like to Interview

2011-06-11T20:27:23-05:00

If i was given the choice to interview any celebrity it would be... Betty page. I find her to be strong, beautiful woman who pushed boundaries on society. Back in those days she helped women find a new fun dominating grasp on their sexual preferences, in the 1950's during the "sexual repression" age.
She got her title "Bondage Queen" when she did S&M photos and posed in playboy along with hundreds of pinup pictures.

The questions i would ask would be:
1) Did you ever think that your pinups would be as big as they were?
2) In your time of fame did you accomplish everything you wanted at that time?
3) Where would you want to go now that would've seemed at your disapproval back then?
4) politically now a days what do you believe there needs to be more attention?
5) From the fame and how you earned it do you have any regrets regardless of how you helped women around the world?
6) In your 20 months spent in a mental hospital how were you changed? was it positive or negative?

My Favorite Things to Photograph

2011-06-11T19:39:05-05:00

Scenes from the Old West - Monument Valley in Black & White

My favorite things to photograph is country scenery in black in white. When i was younger i wanted to go into advertising and a class i took all i did was black and white photographs. And everything was a snapshot I would do pics of random people in parks in a car. I loved taking pictures in graveyards and abandon houses sometimes in color things are more complex. But in black in white, to me anyways you see a sense of naked truth to the shot.
Happy moments were the most fun because black and white seemed to really show why to me there was a elegance to it everything i took a picture of made me have a sense of pride. Where as color made me re-think why didn't i take that shot from a different angle.
Sometimes things with the most color and most energy take the best black and white photos.

On Cheating

2011-06-11T19:29:12-05:00

cheating

Not really no I do not believe its okay to cheat. Academic, Money then no i don't believe in it. Those are what speaks about your character your schooling is your foundation stone if you have a poor sense of foundation then your only option is to re-build and find a better way to give you a stronger structure. Money if your handling money then more and likely your not handling just your own and who are you to put someone back when they worked hard for it. Honestly i would hate for any of the bank tellers at my bank to cheat me out of money. (banks do that enough anyways with some of the bullshit regulations)
But seriously if i worked hard for my paper doing immense amounts of research and constantly checking and re-checking my grammar and earned a C then i would be really agitated by the under-achiever who just cut and pasted from an essay website and earned an A. It would really set me off

Although matters of the heart. I would say i wouldn't care much for that. A relationship shouldn't define who you are. And if you aren't getting what you feel you deserve from the person your with then go on and find it from someone else... sometimes you want what you have at home but like what you get from someones' place.
Sometimes you need something different, sometimes you need to know if the relationship your in is really worth all the stress. Sometimes you need to find out if your really happy with that person. However i do not believe that if you cheat and you decide to leave that you should say how you regret leaving. Cheating is cheating you know what your doing, you know why your doing it. Don't ever apologize because your not happy.
So I guess it may seem somewhat backwards or wrong but it works for me i have a structure and in some parts its flawed true but it works for me so far.

The Person Whose Advice I Seek First

2011-06-10T14:14:39-05:00

Umm i really dont know the answer to that i guess it all really depends on the situation i have many people to whom i turn to and all of them have different opinions on many different issues.

For work, and friend and the unoccasional love turmoils i turn to my aunt jack for that she always has a way to make me feel more empowered and better about which ever situation it is.
For family advice i simply just kept that to myself because family is family either choose to be apart of the drama or not and my whole ordeal is simply stay out of it. For family matters such as my aunt and uncle and their adolescent man- child whose always in and out of jail i choose to just cut them off i have not use for them and now being a new mom i refuse to have that negative drama around my daughter.
As for doubts of my daughter or my daughters' father and i are concerned i go to some adopted mommies adore from school i could always go to them in a time of need or advice and they see things completely on the outside and so they give me advice from that view which is alot better than having and inside opinion option. So i dont really have a specific person to talk to because im going to need some other input . ive always been that way.

My Biggest Challenge Right Now

2011-06-09T20:43:43-05:00

baby belly

Right now i would have to say my biggest challenge is becoming a mom. Im due in August which is right around the corner and i feel like it was yesterday when i found out about my little "bun in the oven" lol getting prepared and set up and thinking about the future, sometimes is fun to think about but also very stressing. Learning to just go with it and to "expect the unexpected" is very hard