- Username: LunaSilver
- In response to: "If you were in a movie right now, what music would be playing?" Spellbound by Siouxsie And The Banshees is a good intro music for a movie, especially if it's a movie about me. It describes the inside of my head pretty well.
- LunaSilver's latest answers
- Birdheart & the City
I moved recently, or it feels that way at least. Not to a new city but to a new part of my city. I thought I knew my city well but it turns out I knew nothing but my old tired neighbourhood where I've walked up and down the bumpy asphalt streets for over twenty years. Gothenburg consists of small towns clumped together into one city and each neighbourhood is it's own little village, ready to be abandoned for greater things. I can see myself in any of the cities I've dreamed about.
In Paris I would ride a bicycle, wear a scarf and learn the soft, rich French language within a year.
In New York City I'd put red dreadlocks in my hair, pierce my nose and eyebrows and float through the crowds like a little boat in the ocean. I would have a tiny apartment and strange neighbours.
In Dubai I would eat popcorn out of brown paper bags and sit on the front porch at dusk, sucking on an ice cube, like I did in Al Ain when I was four. I would learn the long prayers chanted from the mosques by heart, never understanding a word of them and I would watch the sun set over white buildings.
In Las Vegas, I would walk at night, dazed by all the moving lights and signs and smiling faces and I would wonder how long we have before the desert reclaims this place.
In London I would explore until the entire city was mine. I'd taste all the street names in my mouth and always ask for fish and chips without the sauce. I would always ride on the second floor of the red buses if there was room and I would wear my long black coat as much as possible.
In Tokyo I would be spinning around in the crowds, trying to find up and down in a mad world of strange writing, familiar but indecipherable and I would feel like a tall pale woman in a strange land.
So many places to go. Somewhere inside my heart, I think I have a bird's heart, ticking away frantically. My wings are just under my skin, trembling. Ready. Waiting to burst out.
- A light in the darkness
I couldn't think of any particular scent until a moment ago when I bit into a saffron bun left over from last Christmas. These buns are made in Sweden only before Christmas, at the time when the nights are the longest. They're associated with the Lucia celebration which is a before-Christmas celebration mostly about lights in the darkness. When you think about it, Christmas in Sweden is mostly about lights in the darkness as well.
It's May now and spring is here. Nearly all the flowers have fallen off the cherry trees and the apples trees are white and fluffy as clouds. The days are long and bright and and even the air has a different taste. Milder, somehow. In the spring, everyone in Sweden forgets winter as if it were a bad dream and of course, in the winter, spring seems like a good dream that you desperately try to remember.
I found the plastic bag full of saffron buns in the back of my mother's fridge, completely forgotten by my mother who doesn't share my infamous sweet tooth and who has a tendency to buy or make sweet things and then forget that she has them. She said I could have as many as I wanted. Just a few minutes ago, I put three of them in the microwave, poured myself a big glass of milk and crawled into the couch with a soft blanket. As I took the first bite, December came back to me, all at once.
The darkness, the little white and yellow Christmas lights, the cold bitter wind, biting into skin and through any jacket into the bone.
The shining stars in every window and the tiny flickering ones in the sky.
The mulled wine and raisins, the candles everywhere and the saffron, yellow as the sun and more expensive than gold, sold in tiny little bags of a few grams each.
You don't need much anyway, two bags are enough. When you pour it into the dough, the whole thing turns a warm saffron yellow and when you put it in the oven, the smell fills the kitchen and lingers for hours.
I guess, in a way, when I make saffron buns it's a pagan ritual. Over a thousand years ago, the people of the north lit fires and performed rituals at winter solstice to make the light return. And here I am in the twenty first century, baking with yellow sun powder and lighting candles, dreaming of spring.
All this came rushing back to me in one single bite.
- Come to the dark side, we have guilt free cookies
Inside every good girl, there's a bad girl and a lot of lies.
No, it was not Twilight.
Get comfortable if you intend to read this because it will be a relatively long read.
Ok, deep breath.
So I was fifteen, the perfect age for forgetting who you are. It was confusing to say the least and I was unhappy, questioning everything about who and what I was. My perfect sweet Christian girl identity wasn't holding up under the pressure of hormones and I started hating more and more of myself, feeling guilty about every part of me that didn't fit in with that identity, trying to push down about half of all the feelings that come with being fifteen. You can laugh and shake your head if you like. I know now that it was like trying to stop an erupting volcano with wet paper towels. I've always enjoyed fantasy books and at fifteen, I often surfed the net looking for fantasy pictures, sometimes to inspire my own drawings and sometimes just to look at. And somehow, on one of those searches, I must have stumbled across vampires. I had always known they existed in stories but I hadn't realized just how...interesting they were. Online vampire stories and art became my guilty pleasures and yes, I'm aware that Freud is probably jumping up and down in his grave and yelling about repressed sexuality. Put a stake in it Mr. Freud, I'm not finished.
I found a reference one night to something called The Vampire Chronicles and one trip to the library later, I had the first book in my hand. I read it fast and I loved it. Inside me something started to move slowly. I went back to the library and happened to pick up the second book. I sat down in my usual reading spot, opened it and was introduced to the vampire who became my teenage idol or childhood hero. Other people had rock stars, I had a vampire (they're both fictional characters anyway). He frightened me but something in me was also drawn to the way he was not only bad but enjoyed being bad. He was the monster I couldn't be, free and terrible and maybe more than a little insane. He was erotic rather than romantic. The volcano inside me overflowed and erupted, the ashes darkened blue skies and night fell. What really happened was that I let myself feel what I felt and let go of most of the guilt. I dressed in black and painted my eyes and lips in it and after endless nagging and pleading, my mother finally let me dye my hair black as well. Then the music came like a tidal wave. Nightwish, Inkubus Sukkubus, Alice Cooper, HIM, The 69 Eyes, Type O Negative. I was a lost girl.
Now fast forward almost nine years.
I'm happy that I can finally say "no, it was not just a phase". I still wear black even if I won't flat out refuse to wear another colour like I would have when I was fifteen. My hair isn't black now, it's blood red and now that I'm old enough, I'm pierced and tattooed. I made the snakebites because they remind me of fangs a little. I read vampire books but mix them with other books as well. I wear fangs for Halloween. And even though I don't always remember it, at least I know somewhere deep down that I'm allowed to have my urges and desires. I may not always be able to fulfil them but having and acknowledging them isn't something to feel guilty about as long as it doesn't harm anyone. Being a little bad can make you feel very good.
- Unexpectedly good
You say tomato, I say apple!
I've never liked trying out new kinds of food. As a character in a Terry Pratchett book says "I ain't against adventure, just not when I'm eatin' ". That's probably not the exact wording but it's definitely the exact meaning. I'm suspicious about new kinds of food but sometimes, very rarely, I have the urge to...experiment. When I was a child, my experiments became highly toxic mixtures consisting of things like curry, milk, toothpaste, nail polish, jalapeño, shampoo, Coca Cola and so on.When I got older, the experiments turned from fun-coloured-but-toxic to weird-but-edible. I've dyed the pancakes with caramel colour a few times and I know I'm not the only one who enjoys cheese on gingerbread cookies. The one food that surprises people most though, is one of my favourite inventions: apple and ketchup. I really don't understand why people find even the idea so disgusting when they'll happily combine lots of fruit and vegetables in salads. Apple and ketchup is good and NO, I'm not one of those people who needs to have ketchup with everything.
Apple and ketchup.
I dare you to try it!
- Do I know you?
You really shouldn't be surprised at anything when it comes to people because unless you're a mind reader, you just never know what they're going to do. Still, as the saying goes, you think you know a person...
My friend is a woman. Technically. She was born a woman and identifies as one but that's all. She generally has no patience and no mercy for the stereotypically female things, especially not the cute stuff like hello kitty. There's nothing pink, frilly, lacy, figure hugging, moisturised, classically trendy, sparkly or glossy about her. It's one of the many reasons why I like her.There's isn't even a basic "feminine" wardrobe, she shops in the men's section. Bunnies beware, she will not fall for your big eyes and evil hoppy ways. So, in short, I think I know her well enough. There's nothing cute about her. I called her a while ago to ask her how she was and what she'd been doing lately. It turns out that my friend has taken up a new hobby. Embroidering. As if this wasn't enough to convince me that aliens had replaced her brain, guess what pictures she liked to embroider. Come on, guess. That's right. Hello Kitty. You think you know a person...