When I was in the Army at Ft. Sill, Ok in the early 80's I used the nicknam "CJ" which stood for Cracker Jack...I was a mechanic and a motor sargent in Germany had given me this name.

The nickname was important because it meant that no one off base knew who I really was, only that I was a soldier at the base and my name was "CJ". This was important because of the "witch hunts" for gays and lesbians in the Army, which was going strong at the time I was at Ft. Sill. I saw alot of other soldiers, and some airmen (women) from the nearby Altus Air Force Base lose their military careers over being "outted" by others in the service, for some of the most horrific reasons. I saw more than one woman go home because she would not sleep with a guy and he would report her as being a lesbian!

When I was getting close to my ETS date (end time service) which is the date that you live with in your head, the date you know you are going to be done with your commitment and get to go home...or wherever you go. I being close to this date was called up on the "carpet" in front of my battery commander. This commander was a strapping big black man from the Virgin Islands I believe, he talked with a thick accent and was menacing. He asked point blank if I was a lesbian. I had two weeks to my ETS date, which meant I had served my entire commitment and would earn my honorable discharge with a small patch of medals on my chest. I remember being so scared that I was about to lose that honor and that I could never go home because of the disgrace and the disappointment I would bring to my family. At this point I had not even told them I was dating women! I was a very scared 22 year old. I got brave though, and was true to myself and my community.
I answered, "Yes, Sir, I am." And he was shocked at my brutal honesty.
He asked why and I told him," I have two weeks and I go home, can't you just let me finish those two weeks???"
His answer to me was this, "Get out of my office Sgt. Lawrence, and stay out of trouble."
I left, shaken and well aware that the two other sargents in that office with the commander knew my sexual preference, we had even talked about it! One used to show up at my house in the early mornings before Physical Training just to see what the woman I had slept with the night before looked like. He was sick. But he was also a fun and good friend, so I tolerated his curiosity, plus I was afraid he would out me.

I realized also that the Battalion Sargent who was there served directly below the base commander, and he most likely knew that I was the young sargent dating the base commander's daughter. This combined with my honesty probably saved me. They did not ask who I was involved with. This was something that other women who were called in and confronted were a bit curious about, why did they not ask me? They asked everyone else to name names, but it never came up in my conversation with the commander. This proves to me that I was protected. No one wanted the base commander's daughter's name to escape my lips that day. Not to protect her, but more to spare him the embarrassment that his daughter was dating a butch from a field artillery motor pool! I still get a kick out of this story!

I felt badly for those who did lose their careers, had to take less than honorable discharges and who really wanted to finish their commitments to their beloved country. It wasn't right - it still, even with Don't Ask, Don't Tell - is not right that gays and lesbians cannot served opening in our military.

I went back into the Army for a short time after I got out. I didn't know what to do with myself other than get into trouble. The Army afforded me a safe place in which to drink and party and still have a job to go to the next day. I served in a training battalion at Fort Lee, VA for some time, before I got caught with a woman in my barracks room and I had to get out before they caused me a hellish trial by court marshall.

I loved the Army and my years serving were the proudest of my life. I loved the people, the travel, even the job was not that bad. I learned alot about who I am and what I will and won't stand for in my life. I got out in 1986 finally because I did not want to hide my sexuality any longer. I felt like I was not being true to myself. It would be like a Jew trying to hide being Jewish or a Catholic hiding that he is Catholic. I should not - and will not - hide who I am, a proud butch lesbian and a US Army Veteran.

My first encounter with a mass grave....

It was the day I got to my new unit in Stuttgart Germany, I was being taken out to one of the missile sites by the motor sargent in a military pick up truck. I had just gotten "in country" to Germany about 3 days before but had to spend those in an intake center in Frankfurt.

I remember that I had reported to the motor pool that day, my first day of duty with the 3/71st Air Defense Artillery at Wilkins Barracks in Kornwestheim, just outside of Stuttgart, and the motor sargent wanted me to ride out to Bravo battery in Grossachenheim with him. I think it was to see who this new young soldier with the attitude was, and what he was up against being my new boss.

I got to the unit with good records, high scores in my schooling, although much to the Army's dismay I had turned down an appointment to West Point Military Academy, and chosen instead to go to Germany for regular duty as a US Army soldier and motor mechanic. Not something they looked very favorably upon, since it was such an honor to receive an appointment, I guess turning it down was not something one did. But I didn't care to give the military 10 years of my life at that point, and so off to Germany I went.

On the ride out to B battery we came upon this huge hill, obviously a man made structure. I remember an erie sensation, I knew what it was without even asking. A mass grave left from the holocaust. I had read of these things during high school, but never in my life did I imagine that I would be this close to that reality. It was frightening for a 19 year old; frightening to see that this was so so real. The moment stuck in my head all of my life. I think it was one of those "pivital moments" that we all have. Mine reminded me that I was a soldier and part of my job was to keep things like that, the construction of that hill of mass graves, to ever happen again. Mike, the motor sargent, told me there were 20,000 people or more under that pile of dirt. I remember it being a scary, scary thing. Something I hope the world never has to endure ever again. I also remember that it made me angry that the world and God had let that happen. And I knew that this was going to be only one of many of these "hills" that I would eventually witness during my 2 years in Germany. I was quiet during that ride. Nothing I could say would have made any sense after seeing that hill.