Skorp - Plinky Answers

From Woo hoo! to Boo Hoo!

2009-06-03T20:08:24-06:00

Last time I said "Woo Hoo!" was yesterday when I found out that my fiance would be induced on June 12th to give birth to our daughter.

I was still saying "Woo Hoo!" after I asked my HR department to approve my one week off following her arrival into this world.

Today I stopped saying "Woo Hoo!" because I was just laid off about an hour ago.

Anyone hiring?

Contact me at skorp882003@yahoo.com

Get lost in 'Beaching for Dummies' at the beach

2009-05-20T16:11:31-06:00

Seriously?

Reading at the beach is like mountain-biking in space. It just don't make no sense.

Snorkel, swim, surf, scuba, beach blanket bingo.

The only reading I would even consider is the nutritional fact list on the back of a Corona or the first aid instructions in the event of a shark attack.

I like to watch people.

2009-05-19T23:26:52-06:00

...from that large bush outside their window.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

(What? Too creepy?)

A lost election is worthy of tears

2009-05-11T11:05:20-06:00

Oh...nevermind.

I thought it said "lost erection".

The Tough Brets will get my back

2009-05-05T10:52:13-06:00

I've taken my choices from the genius duo, Flight of the Conchords. They would never lead me down the wrong path. From the episode "The Tough Brets" on their most recent season. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrQ_okHgUas )

Johnny Boy
"Johnny Boy" is clearly not a boy but rather a 70 year old man. What he lacks in youth and strength of bladder, he makes up for in former group affiliations and catchy gang names.

Mr. and Mrs. Lee
A true double threat. These Asian internet cafe owners are all about protecting their turf whether it be with broom or quick open-palmed slaps.

Dave
Dave claims to be a former Navy SEAL. And he can make a weapon out of anything, ie. hose and watering can become a long distance striking implement of death.

Wayne = Pure Evil

2009-05-05T10:33:59-06:00

WAYNE.

At age 9 he smooshed a June Bug on my head while I was stuck at the bus stop with him.

At age 10 he threw my backpack into a hornets nest.

At age 11 he put balloons in his friend Dougs' shirt and made me touch his "boobs" to prove I wasn't gay.

I hate you, Wayne. I hate you so much.

Coincidentally, I saw Wayne about a month ago. He's bald and fat and looks like he might have had a stroke recently. Fuck yeah, karma!

I'm a cat person

2009-05-05T10:28:28-06:00

No, really.

I am a CAT PERSON.

http://bit.ly/cotps

Cockroaches are really running things on Earth

2009-04-22T10:51:13-06:00

And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

Azeroth in Darnassus is lovely this time of year

2009-04-20T13:03:52-06:00

I don't think you could ever create a place as beautiful as this.

Darnassus is a place where deer, rabbits and Night Elves can frolic and play year round. The occasional Orc attacks are easily to overlook when you see the gorgeous waterfalls and flowing streams all shimmering in incredibly rendered graphics.

Oh. You mean in real life?

Fuck that. It's bright out there!

Rydin' Dirty in Las Vegas

2009-04-17T17:32:12-06:00

I could go into a lengthy explanation about the best Vegas trip EVER but I'd rather just show you the video set to the music of Chamillionaire. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwOVXwsiM8o

(I'm the guy at the front of the "Flying V". I can also be seen drinking a beer, exiting an elevator, crashing and doing donuts.)

My next scene features...

2009-04-17T17:04:57-06:00

If all the world's a stage, and we're merely players, my life as a play would not be complete without a...

Oh, for three more hours (of HELL)

2009-04-17T16:14:36-06:00

An extra three hours sounds good but in reality it would probably end up being added to company time, which means we'd probably have to work an extra hour a day since we also have an additional hour to sleep and one hour for free time. But then, we probably wouldn't even get that. Companies would form some new regulation and we'd get a 55-hour work week.

So, no! I don't want an extra hour.

Eight in this cube is enough.

Screw you clock!

Impressed...or SCARED FOR YOUR LIFE?

2009-04-10T18:55:15-06:00

Respect the viking helmet.

Though it is made of plastic and stolen from a kid at Excalibur in Las Vegas, it's still a freaking viking helmet.

There aren't many items of clothing more bad-ass than that, although combining it with a fake mustache or eye patch can only adds to the ferocity.

A haiku about Into The Blue

2009-04-09T18:59:51-06:00

I read someone else's haiku on this movie which made me think about it. So I decided to do my own since I have such fond memories of it.

Jessica Alba
Shows her ass through whole movie
Best Movie Ever

A haiku about In Bruges

2009-04-09T18:41:24-06:00

I know this is my 3rd movie haiku of the day but I'll be damned if this isn't the most fun I've had on Plinky yet!

Girlfriend is in love
Makes me hate Colin Ferrell
Hey, this doesn't suck

A haiku about The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

2009-04-09T13:14:46-06:00

Mummies, dragons and
Abominable snowmen
Together at last

A haiku about Punisher Warzone

2009-04-09T11:58:16-06:00

Frank Castle is mad
Italians are at fault
He will kill them all

Stuck in an elevator with MacGyver

2009-04-02T11:29:11-06:00

MacGyver
I always carry gum, a paperclip and a pen for just such emergencies. The problem is I wouldn't know what to do with them. But MacGyver would!

Don't F with me today.

2009-04-01T17:38:57-06:00

I wouldn't say it's my best but I just pulled this one on my boss today...

He tried pranking me, so I put his car for sale on Craigslist.

So far he's had over 30 voicemails, and a ton of missed calls.

Going out like a GOD!

2009-03-27T01:29:11-06:00

Drink a beer with a Man Crush
The obvious choice would be Paul Rudd but I'm sure his man date card is filled. So instead I choose Jason Statham because during our man date I plan on picking a fight with some dude just so I can have "The Stath" roundhouse his face off.

Punch a person you should never punch
I want to punch a blind guy. Or maybe a midget. Perhaps even someone with a walker. I want people to bring that story up for many years after I'm gone.

Breed the world's first Unicorn
I'd probably have to become some kind of geneticist first but I'm sure if I could create a living, breathing Unicorn...the world would always remember me as the man who gave them true happiness.

Make Disco popular again
So my tombstone would say "He did the impossible".

Fly a jetpack into the sun
Just owning a real jetpack is one thing. Dying in a jet pack crash is also pretty cool.
But as a final act, flying it into the sun would be AWESOME!

Swapping spit at warp factor 9!

2009-03-27T01:12:37-06:00

I'm sure the Catholic Church never intended for me to lose my tongue virginity on the Tilt-A-Whirl in the parking lot of their sacred grounds.

But I did.

And to top it off, 2 Live Crew's "Me So Horny" was playing loud as we whipped around while trying to avoid chipping a tooth.

Looking back...

...I wouldn't have changed a thing.

(Monica....call me!)

Where was the man-whore option?

2009-03-27T00:59:13-06:00

Slutty.

As a straight male...that is the only option.

The reason I would attempt being sexy is to get to the sex-ing. Why would I put on the cologne, wear the nice shirt and pretend to listen? I'm not putting on this show so you can compliment me on my keen fashion sense. If I could still get to the good stuff by wearing my raggy jeans and comfortable 10-year-old sweatshirt, I would.

But no, I have to try and be sexy to lure you into being slutty.

Sexy is not normal for a straight man. It's simply a plan of attack.

Bite me. Or die trying.

2009-03-27T00:48:32-06:00

I am one of "Those Guys".

I've seen every (worthwhile) zombie movie. Read World War Z. Own the Survival Guide. Been to every website that has tips on a Zombie Apocalypse.

Well, you may laugh and roll your eyes but you know what? I'm fuckin' ready.

Not only am I ready, I welcome it. Bring it ON! I'm not even scared.

This is our chance. This is when the nerds, the sci-fi geeks and the comic book dweebs can become something more. Armed with the information and knowledge of every possible situation, this is the day we can be heroes!

And do you know why?

Zombies are not jocks. Zombies are not trained soldiers. They aren't stealthy, fast or strong. They are feeble and easily destroyed. It will be like facing a nursing home full of elderly people with a bad case of rabies.

Even the wimpiest of us can still kick their Grandmothers' ass. All day, every day.

And in doing so, we are winning a war. And everyone loves a hero.

Virtually the Greatest Athlete of All Time

2009-03-17T01:41:10-06:00

There comes a time in sports history when a man does the what was once thought to be impossible. This man, this Titan will be looked upon by the masses as a hero. A master. Perhaps even a God.

Today, that man will be known as Skorp...professional video game player.

While some mortals only succeed at one, possibly two incredible feats, Skorp has been known to complete many. Finishing Grand Theft Auto 4 in under a week, fragging twenty online combatants in a row on Call of Duty and even beating Halo 3 on Legendary, Skorp proves time and time again that he is no fluke. Not the Great White Hype. Not even a One-Trick Pony.

From Madden to Techno Bowl, NBA 2008 to NBA Jam, this guy is for real with skills to pay the bills.

Never has the Universe witnessed an athlete with the speed of a hedgehog, the grace of a elven warrior or the tenacity of a plumber.

When the world loses this legend of a man, the people of this Earth will only wish that he had 99 lives.

"Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start."

Best. Prank. EVER.

2009-03-15T13:35:36-06:00

Basketball Sky

Just recently I watched what I consider to be the best prank EVER. Streeter and Amir from CollegeHumor.com have been in an ongoing prank war for a while now and Streeter finally got his revenge. The prank involved making a basketball shot for half a million dollars. I don't want to ruin it but you can watch the video here...

http://skorped.tumblr.com/post/83493060/streeter-horray-i-rarely-ever-use-this

Bear vs Shark Space Fight!

2009-03-09T10:30:05-06:00

"Animal face-off! Who would win in a fight between a bear and a shark?"

This is an unfair question because it does not specify if the battle would take place on which of the animals' home turf. So, on land it is easily in the bears favor while in water the shark has the definite advantage.

To make this fair I have decided to imagine this Ultimate Deathmatch to be in held in space.

Both would be disoriented from lack of gravity but I'm sure the shark would be able to acclimate itself first because the weightlessness would be almost identical to it's ocean home. While the bear is bumbling through the air, the shark would take the opportunity to strike, killing the bear with one monstrous bite.

The victory would be short-lived however because the shark would suffocate soon after it's celebratory meal.

Winner?

No one wins in the vacuum of space.

My favorite line from 'Eagle vs Shark'

2009-03-06T09:55:37-06:00

"It's time to pay the piper. He's gonna reap what he sowed, and it sure ain't corn. Or wheat."

Malt Liquor would set this country straight

2009-03-04T09:06:00-06:00

040:365 acquired or not, just swig.

Malt Liquor. The homeless have been using it for years so there must be something to it.

I wish I could get rid of all the gravity

2009-03-02T12:19:22-06:00

My living situation is great and all but if there is one thing that annoys me, it's gravity. When I get home after a long day at work, comfort is the top thing in my mind and gravity really works against it.

Filling my home with water gives a similar effect but I can't breathe under water and breathing apparatuses aren't that comfortable so it kind of defeats the purpose.

So if I COULD change one thing...it would be gravity.

All of my scars are emotional.

2009-02-24T20:58:55-06:00

I'd much rather have a facial scar from a rogue weed-eater or shrapnel scars from a hidden landmine that was filled with thumbtacks or even a scar from jumping head first into a ceiling fan than to live one more day with the mental scar of my parents having sex.