- hello Rich Archer
- Username: Slocombe
- In response to: "If you were in a movie right now, what music would be playing?" Right now, after the rather marvellous day I've had, the music that would be my soundtrack right now is "Fantastic Plastic Machine" - happy, bouncy, fun, almost certainly very annoying..
- Slocombe's latest answers
- When the rescue ship comes, I'll ask them what the date is.
Ah Plinky, you little trickster, you! You come along with you questions - at the exact time in the month when payday was a good two weeks ago -…
- Chaps, I'm sorry- but your dad was right.
Gentlemen. It really goes without saying. if you want to be taken seriously in this world, you get yourself a haircut; you have yourself a shave, you get your grubby little mitts on the finest suit you can afford, you polish up your shoes and, well, you do all the things that you avoided doing during your teens because you were being rebellious, cool and your Dad tried to tell you what to do and, well, Fuck That.
Yes, it's a cliche. of course everyone does it - but can you honestly tell me that if you spend your life in sweatpants and Nikes, that the occasional day swaggering about in a good suit doesn't feel absolutely great?
Your posture changes subtly, you walk with more purpose - people regard you slightly differently because of this.
People don't react directly to the outfit you are wearing. What they're doing is reacting to how you feel inside it.
- Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer.....
She says the word 'womanizer'. A lot.
You know that point where you say a word so often it's starts losing all meaning and devolves into nothing but a stream of grunts, whistles and clicks, and starts to resemble the raging howls of a tribe of gibbons?
It's like that, but wearing a dress and dancing at the same time.
I'll admit the fact that it's sung by Peter Andre does bias it instantly. But the fact that it was released based entirely upon the fact that he MADE UP A WORD ON TELLY to impress a girl makes this unforgivable.
Four year olds have more linguistic capability than this man's trogoldyte grasp on the english language, and they accordingly have as much right to rain scorn down on it as the rest of us.
In fact, the one solitary person that is not in a position to do so is, coincidentally, the one girl he somehow managed to successfully woo with his thesaurian foreplay.
The track released to accompany the theatrical relese of the Addams Family movie - features the classic lines
'They do what they wanna do, say what they wanna say,
Live how they wanna live, play how they wanna play,
Dance how they wanna dance, KICK AND THEY SLAP A FRIEND'?
Even aged 10 that struck me as some ropey-ass song-smithing from the 'Hammer...
- They don't make April Fools' Day like they used to..
In 1957 the BBC broadcast a documentary hosted by Brit TV Royalty Richard Dimbleby. It was a short documentary on a Swiss family and their day harvesting the annual spaghetti crop. The film went to show the family trooping out into their orchard and begin picking strands of pasta from the nearby trees and bushes. For the next few minutes, the film went on to explain the trials and tribulations of a pasta farmer before letting the credits roll and the next programme start.
There was no instant payoff. No corpsing at the camera before cracking into a big broad smile and reassuring the audience that it was all a big gag.
50-odd years later, it's this time of year EVERY. SINGLE. TIME that my dad informs me that this was the finest single April Fool's gag every perfomed in the history of windups, ever.
Forget Punk'd, forget the Moon landings, forget George Bush - bits of pasta loosely draped onto a few branches whilst a group of actors pretending that it's a hard life is the One True Joke.
And in a way, I can see where he's coming from. That's the one April Fools stunt that sticks in his mind, because no-one was expecting it. In a world of broadcasting that was ordinarily very straightlaced, the idea that there was a spoof documentary was inconceivable.The film ended and for _days_ afterwards, people were gently finding out that the programme on the telly they'd watched the other night was utter crap. There are probably still people out there who've not quite twigged.
Admit it. Who of you didn't venture out onto the web today armed with a large pinch of salt ready for any errant April Fool's blog articles? We all know about them now - the internet is a great place to find all sorts of great ideas, but the longest we're probably going to be tricked by any of these today is the time it takes to get from the meat of an article to the time you're halfway through a forwarding email to your mates before you remember what day it is.
It's a shame, because some ideas are really inventive, superb works of effort and craftsmanship - time has clearly been spent. For instance, on youTube there's the whole "upside down video thing" - very clever indeed, but ultimately it's for about 10 seconds of "oh- hang on .. oh you guys!" type reactions before you get on with your day.
There's nothing - NOTHING that I saw today that I'll be telling my mates about in 50 days time, never mind 50 years.
Although that whole "Internet Explorer 8 actually quite good" thing did make me giggle..