Music

I belong to a band. Belonging to a group of other creative spirits is an ongoing process of loosing and finding each other. Right now we seem to loose it again. Thoughts of quitting appear, arguments and skipping practice happen regularly. Everything is not working out anymore, great ideas from yesterday feel old and boring. And then there are the constantly held discussions about the becoming-famous-issue. Do we, do we not, is it right, is it worth it, are we good enough, isn't it more fun to do and play as we like, not caring so much about audiences, do we want to work hard, do wen want to have fun, are we colleagues, are we friends, ... ?
Being in a band is like having a relationship with four people at once plus yourself as an artist, compromises wear you out, finding them is tiring. Sometimes it feels there's not much left of the things you wanted, you loose yourself in all the blending in and wonder if this can be satisfying.
But then there are these unplanned moments where all of a sudden a new song is born because for this one moment everyone just shuts up and plays and knows where everything is going. And then you forget the quitting again ... for a few peaceful days ... until the next problem -"did we want to record a CD or not?!"

you know there were so many times I looked at you all blushing, listened to you all stiff and trapped in your voice and my body, looked up to you like to this shining cross on top of a very high mountain that I knew I had to reach some day because I saw my ideals in it -

I've seen and known what ideals are for the first time when getting to know you

I remember you held my hand once real tight helping me to climb over a fence in a very dark night, I remember you pulling my fingers to count the things that did carry a meaning in life when I didn't see them myself, I remember your books -your recommending tone and gestures
-got a book for you, you should really read this and that-
I always felt so see-through, I felt you could see right through me seeing all these bright things that I didn't believe would exist,

I also remember you rolling on the floor with her, I remember you getting drunk all the time, crying and wining taking away that shine again
"don't take away my shine, my shine is all I have" cause
"I don't shine if you don't shine"
and I remember how I grew up to you and then over you and how empty that felt

one night I stole your sweater -I put it on at home and slept in it the next days and weeks until I could not smell you in it anymore -it was too big of course so I cut it down to my size and made it fit to my body and somehow today I think this is a metaphor for how I cut you into pieces all along and made you fit into my heart and soul as a part of me that could make sense to them

all these situations and stories, these talks and words and feelings and looks they have become this mass now that is floating in me, like a basic layer of something where I found the ground to stand on an go on and on and on -

today you are a part of me -

I became who I am reflecting on you like in a mirror, I walked the path from your direction turning it into mine and now I am this person that acts out what I always liked about you
-being so energetic and emotional about your interests, feeling the music, the sounds, suffering history and the times, expressing how important important things are when they mean something to you -no matter what it is -a deep thought, a detail in everyday life and not being ashamed of saying this outloud

you were one true teacher that's for sure but you also were so far away from being an ideal and maybe this is what I am doing now, I am completing the journey, I'm going further down the path you started on youself and then started me on

and now I'm here still wearing the sweater I saw you in when you talked on the stage but I am no longer sitting in the audience I'm the entertainer now and the costume and props for this -
I got from you

TIME FLIES.....................*

Don't do anything now that you can do later as well, stick to your bio-rythm, finish work days by going home thinking "I'm done -what to do for fun now" ...me for example, I love the feeling of being done, on my way home, having time to think about my dinner, having time to hang around and watch TV or learn how to use ubuntu... hahaha