My level of patience goes to zero when I sense someone is being taken advantage of. When someone has the capability of controlling or dominating or exploiting the vulnerability of another, their true character shows at that time. The *right* thing to do would be to do the right thing!

It shows a flaw in character such as selfishness, self-centered, narcissism, greed, or the basic bottom of the barrel evil.

The second thing that I have no patience for feeds from the first one above. That would be those twisting the truth or simply stating a lie or crafting a story (which is untrue) in order to convince someone to do something they would otherwise not do. In other words, those folks are blocking the information source so that the "victim" cannot make an informed decision.

Usually this is done for a gain on the person offering misinformation. It would be for either their own financial gain or for their own personal comfort gain. In business, they craft or twist words in order to convince another to act on their words. This creates a financial gain for the perpetrator, and a loss or later remorse for the victim. I suppose, as I'm writing this, that I really have no patience for those that create victims! (smile)

When it comes to relationships, the *lie* can be in the form of leaving important information out. Information that the other person in the relationship would need in order to make an informed decision for their own well being or health. If the truth would cause them to leave, then it's only a matter of time before they will leave anyway (truth has a way of eventually coming through) and then you have wrongly wasted their time, their emotional energy and their good intending heart.

The third area I truly lack patience in concerns opinions. I'm thrilled when someone has an opinion. I'm miffed when they don't take the time to know why they have the opinion. My perspective then is that they are too lazy to have their own opinion or research it, they are too lazy to know why they are on a particular bandwagon, they simply jump on because it suits them at the moment.

My guess, in self analysis, would be that I would wonder in having them in my life in any capacity, where their loyalties would lie? How long before someone else convinces them of something different with no basis or fact and they simply take off for another "wagon" ?

It's good to have an opinion. On any subject! Just know why?
Religion--why do you believe what you believe? Why do you do the routines or rituals that you do?
Politics--why do you stand with one party or the other? What do you base your opinion on? What do you want from those you vote for? What do you do to let them know where you stand? Why do you stand where you stand?
Relationships--why do you act or react the way you do? Why do you have a specific type? What do you like to do that would be "fun" with another person? What do you like to do when you're alone?
Parenting--Why do you raise your children the way you do? Are you saying "yes" more than you are saying "no"? Why? Have you thought about the outcome of your parenting skills and how they affect your children not only for the moment, but for later years?

Questions like that mull around in my head. Should you ever meet me, you'll find I'm the curious type. I like to know not only the what, but the why! I believe it is what makes us tick. If you don't know the why, then what you're really saying is that there is nothing substantial to the way you live, you simply exist.

Life is short. Don't exist! Live!

When relinquisment rips your heart out

September 17th, 1976

I woke up in a home that was not mine. Mom was there. She was downstairs with her friend, Mrs. S. It was her hospitality we were benefiting from.

I do not recall what the weather was like outside. I merely recall what it felt like inside. Gloomy, impending, sad. I scrambled to write a letter. I didn't even know if it would get into the right hands but I had to write it. The first draft was smeared from tears falling on the ink. I kept it as a copy for myself. This day I had to sign papers to relinquish my son, an infant born just 3 days ago, to an adoption agency.

The doorbell rang and I knew I had to face these adults. I didn't want to. I could barely function through the anguish of what I was about to do. I was being told how brave I was, how what I was doing was the right thing. I had to believe their words. I shouldn't have.

If I could go back to that day, I would wake up, start writing the letter and realize that there was no better place for my child than with me. I would have told the lady with the papers that I changed my mind. I would have insisted that my mother take me back to the hospital. I wanted my son in my arms and in my life. I should have been more brave.

I can look back now and know that the other details of life would have worked themselves out. I would have survived with him. WE would have survived ok. He would have been comfortable with himself through my style of parenting and relationship. He would not have found the trouble that plagued his life from a small child through his adult years.

I believe that he would have been more settled. He would have been more productive. He would have been more directed. He would not be facing prison.

I wish I could change that one day because I know it would change his "today."

The last guy I dated is the worst teacher I've ever had in my life.

I learned a lot from him. What I learned were things I really didn't want to know about life, anyway.

I've had to learn that liars always lie and cheaters always cheat. No matter what they say or promise that will not change. I had to learn that those traits are character defects. I learned that even someone that beats another person, whether physically or emotionally, can at times be a "really great guy!"

Cruelty is in the makeup of these types of people and the lesson is to not trust your gut, but to trust others in your life that love you and warn you.

I constantly believed there could be change. I saw deep inside this person a "good" person that wanted to come out. I have to learn that by my age, people are who they are and will not change. Not those things. Too embedded. They have convinced themselves they are not the person you see or ask about. "Why would you do that?"
Or worse, "What kind of person does that?"

I learned that if either of those questions slip from my subconscious mind to my conscious mind, it's time to go.

I've learned that when it's time to go, you just go. You don't drag it out or try to explain it. There is no reason to defend it. He didn't care enough about me to do some introspection and chose to be cruel. Why, then, should I care?

He was the worst teacher. I became emotionally attached and he, in turn, offered tidbits to string me along and cruelty as the final reward. I have now less trust, less hope and less faith in the realm of "relationships."

Perhaps, though, a lesson in caution is not necessarily a bad one. I suppose we can only learn to be cautious through an adversity.

I will not allow him to let me "learn" his behaviors for my life. I will learn to be better at "cautious" and return to the happier and more content person I was before I met him.

Sometimes two steps back is good.