Born in Schaumburg, IL, this balding, giant hair flowing in the wind, 9'4" dwarf of a man, who is only 17 in some parts of the world, has taken the water polo community completely by surprise. Who would have thought, though many expected, that a blind, courageous little southpaw, capable of seeing up to sixty miles in clear weather would be the linchpin in Arsenal's 6-0 victory, despite sitting quietly in his apartment some 1500 miles away.

We asked this man, this heroic figure of surprisingly gnomic proportions, what he thought of his sedate media explosion, marked by fireworks and a full dancer chorus. His reply? "I would like to thank the thousands of watchers who consistently flock," he calmly replied through a bullhorn from the top of the Empire State Building, "for through their creative use of Jungian gerunds we may all glean a deeper understanding into the true spirit of Christmas."

I write stories that average humans can't read. I never know what the story is about until somebody tells me, and I know I'm going to be forced to change major plot points constantly at the whim of others. The stories are never finished, but once they reach a certain level of clarity, we give them to other people, who then find novel, creative, and often dangerous ways to misinterpret and misapply the flow and intent of the stories.

Ted Nugent
As F-22s streak over the stadium and Robert Plant howls a truly rocked version of "Shake Your Tail Feather", Ted Nugent cleans 4 rainbow trout, skins, guts, and bleeds 2 large moose, and subdues a polar bear with a sleeper hold and a few carefully chosen words about the nature of freedom and what he did to the polar bear's mother the night before. Next, an M1A1 tank is driven onto the 50 yard line by Alan Tudyk, who then inadvertently uses the 50-caliber mounted gun to perforate P. Diddy and Kanye West, both of whom are striding onto the field to protest the fact that neither of them were given the lead role in the show.