I think swearing is fucking disgusting. You'd never catch me saying "cunt" or "fuck" or "bollocks". Such language is just bloody unnecessary. If you can't think of a suitable adjective or interjection, maybe you just have a shit vocabulary?

When swearing is used in comedy just to get a bleeding giggle it's a sign that it's gone too fucking far. What the fuck is funny about the word "twat" anyway? Some arsehole comedians actually incorporate shitloads of swearing as their primary joke. Doesn't matter what the actual joke is. Just throw a "arse" or an "shit" in there and you're fucking golden.

Filmmakers are buggers for it too. They have the actors saying all sorts of shit when it's not fucking necessary. They say it's all about bloody realism. Well realistic or not, I'm not going to the fucking cinema to hear some overpaid cunt swearing all the way through the film. Is it necessary? Bollocks. Just a fucking excuse to be vulgar.

Actually, I have to say that while I don't think that swearing for humour is funny and don't understand why some people think it is, I don't think I could ever be accused of being anti-swearing. I'll drop an F-bomb like the next man if the situation warrants it. Sometimes, when all you can do is shout to relieve frustration, a good swear will do wonders for stress levels.

But what is a swear word anyway? It's a slang word that has taken on vulgar connotations. What's the difference between saying "blooming heck" and "bloody hell"? How about "flipping" and "fucking"? We have a new vocabulary of minced oaths for people who are too prudish to say "fuck" but need the tension release. "Flipping" just doesn't do it.

Apparently "cunt" is the most offensive word in the English language, and has overtake "fuck" to the number one spot. But it means the exact same thing as "twat" in its literal form, and nobody even bats an eyelid at that any more. What is it about the word that makes it offensive? The answer is simple; absolutely nothing.

Like many things, the reaction tells you more about the person reacting than the person saying the word. Some people seem to like getting offended. They will take offence to things where none was intended.

If I say "Oh flipping heck. It's blooming raining again." then not even your most prudish, god-fearing do-gooder would care one bit. Switch out the minced oaths for the words they represent, and you suddenly have a vulgar and offensive turn of phrase.

So is swearing offensive? No, not really. If used as an insult (e.g. calling somebody a cunt) then of course it is, but only in the same way as using a non-swear word. If it's intended to be offensive, it is offensive. If it's just used in conversation, then it's not. There is nothing special about the word that makes it offensive. It's all about context.

I distinctly remember being nine years old and thinking that I didn't want to grow up, because it seemed dull and miserable.

Flash forward to now. I'm sitting alone in a house I owe thousands on, estranged from my children, doing a job I hate. Being an adult sucks.

My saving grace is my girlfriend. She lets me continue exploring life with a youthful vigour. Going out of an evening, seeing live music, playing silly games, laughing. All the joys of youth that for so long eluded me. There is a gap in my mind between my nine year old happy self and my thirty year old jaded soul. That gap now has a bridge, and I love her for it.