November 2009. My birthday. I was excited because my boyfriend L had promised me the "best birthday ever", seeing as how he would be getting his paycheck that day.

That afternoon he called me from work and asked if I could pick him up before our date because his brother was going to be borrowing his truck. Not a problem, I told him.

I stopped at a service station and put my last $40 in for gas (my car is a hog) and then continued on my way to his work. When I got there, L was nowhere to be found, and his truck was gone. After about 30 minutes, he and his brother pull up in his truck with a tarp-covered something in the back. L gets out, gets in my car, and we head into town for my "best birthday ever". Right, here we go.

I let L drive, as I don't know what he has planned, and an hour and a half later we pull into the parking lot at the mall. I'm thinking, "The mall? Seriously? You can totally do better than this" but I keep my mouth shut because, after all, this COULD just be one stop of many. This is supposed to be my "best birthday ever", remember?

Walking into the mall, there is a Pretzel Time right by the door. "Wanna share a pretzel with me?" he asks. Yeah, okay. Pretzels are good. Can I have some mustard for dipping? "If it costs extra, then no." WTF?! This is MY day, but I can't even have any mustard? What's the deal?

Further in, we come across some weirdo sporting store. Snowboarding, skateboarding, that kind of stuff. "Hey, I just want to stop in here for a second. It won't take long. Then we can go eat. Sound good?" Hell yeah, that sounds good. I'm starving and I can practically taste that lobster.... It's my "best birthday ever", remember? Only he spends the next HOUR talking about kiteboarding with the store employee and I'm stuck sitting there with my thumb up my ass (not literally) because, honestly, I find that stuff boring as HELL. WTF?! This is MY day, but we have to spend the whole night talking about something I don't give a rat's ass about? What's the deal?

Finally, L is done running his mouth. "Ready to eat?" he asks. Yes, I'm ready to eat. I was ready to eat an hour ago. Where are we going? Red Lobster? Olive Garden? How about Outback? No, no, and no. "It's a surprise," he tells me. Nice! I love surprises. But wait, why are we heading in the opposite direction from the end of the mall we came in from? Oh, we're going to Red Robin. Burgers, huh? Really? We aren't even leaving the mall? What's the deal?

We get seated, and the waitress comes by. "What can I get for you?" she asks. Before I have a chance to order, L says "Wait a minute" and pulls a piece of paper out of his back pocket. What is that? Hey, that's my coupon for a free birthday burger. I was going to use that next week with my bff M, what is he doing with it? "She'll be using this. What kind of burger do you want, Jen?" Um.. guacamole bacon burger, I guess. Meanwhile, L is getting the prime rib dip for himself. Wait a minute... But I can't say anything yet because the waitress is asking about beverages. L orders a Dr. Pepper for himself and tells the waitress I just want a water. Okay, this is seriously messed up. WTF?! What happened to my "best birthday ever"?? I ask L what's going on. Why the HELL is he being so damn cheap when he had promised me the "best birthday ever" only two days ago?

The answer, and the explanation for the tarp-covered something in the back of his truck leaves me speechless. "I bought D (his brother) a new four-wheeler. He's taking it down to Moab tonight so he can ride with our cousin tomorrow. I only have $40 to last me two weeks until my next check." At that point, I have my water. He gets it over his head, and I grab my keys and leave him there, stranded an hour and a half away from home.

I broke up with him the next day.

My son Jesse @ age 3 (to the ER doctor): My dad hit me with his car!
****It was a gas-powered RC car, and Jesse had run right in front of it just as his dad drove it off a ramp.

Jesse @ age 3: Oh mommy thank you for these crans (crayons). They have all the colors of the colorbet!!!
****His logic: Letters are in the alphabet, so numbers must be in the numberbet and colors are in the colorbet.

My niece Haley @ age 3: You know that pile of dirt outside? It's going to grow up and be a mountain!! And then I'm gonna climb it!
****Referring to a pile of topsoil that had been delivered earlier in the day.

My niece Nenet @ age 3: Oh no, Mommy, they're cooking the baby!
****Upon receiving a Bible-themed coloring book with a nativity scene on the cover as a birthday gift.

I recently learned, that all men, no matter who they are, can be total asshats.