Library books.

The last time I visited a library was last Monday. I went to the central public library (or, Openbare Bibliotheek) in Amsterdam, near the central station. It's a big, impressive building on the eastern dock, next to the conservatory. The inside looks very modern, it's very light and I think it's beautiful.

Unfortunately, I didn't go there to borrow books. I had to study for an exam I had on Tuesday. It's my favorite place to study. I stayed for about four hours, and then I lost my focus, so I went home.

It might have been a better move to just find another spot to sit, because I was sitting above the children's section, which meant that I had to listen to screaming and playing children while I was trying to study. Oh well. I think my exam went alright and it might be good enough to get me a passing grade, but let's not jinx me on that ;)

Ten years ago I was 11. I must admit I never really had any expectations about how my life would be, but I think that if my 11-year old self would get a peek into the future, she would be shocked. In a good way, but she still would be.

I am so much stronger and happier compared to how I was back then. I have people around me who love me and friends who won't exclude me from the fun they are having. I haven't let the bullying get me down, it made me stronger instead. I'm getting better at trusting people, even though I have to watch out to not give people EVERYTHING when they do gain my trust.

I have been abroad, I have been camping at a festival, me! I don't think I would have seen that coming when I was little. Also the music I listen to now, that would shock my past self, who was pretty much a Top-40 only kid. Now I don't even know what's in the Top-40.

Luckily, I was never really insecure about my looks. I never really cared. It makes me sad to see all these young girls nowadays beating themselves up for not living up to this ideal image of beauty, even though that image comes from Photoshop and a ton of make up.

This morning I was working with 2 girls and a guy and even though we weren't having any deep discussions or anything, we had a good laugh all morning, talking about random shit and making fun of the lady who works at accessories and uses "Take a good look" as her catchphrase.

I'm not someone to open up easily, so most of the time it takes some alcohol to really get me going and to enable these really good, real and deep conversations.

Conversation

If I had to talk about a conversation with a single person, the last person I can remember having a really good, deep conversation with was with Gijs when we went to have dinner with the Real Music Masterclass (last year) and had some drinks, we started philosophizing about how we see religion (considering we're both not religious), talking about our studies and how much of yourself you have to put in any social study at a uni for applied sciences, and how for a person like me it's not pleasant at all, having to open up and talk about yourself and cross boundaries you've never crossed before.

This only gets worse when you're not enjoying your studies anymore, like me. Which was the primary reason I quit. It just took too much energy (and tears) out of me.