I'm sure there are people that have done much more research on this topic than me, so let me just say ahead of time that if I say something crazy or nonsensical in zombie-fighting etiquette, I apologize. Now that that's out of the way, I can honestly say that I think about this about 50% of the time I drive by the cemetery a mile or two from my home. You see folks, I'd be quite screwed in the event of a zombie attack if I didn't have a plan. I live... on a small peninsula, the only escape routes from which being a several-mile swim through polluted waters to the shores of Boston, or along the road with one of the largest graveyards I've ever seen. It's no joke to say that my home would be a prime location for zombie attack.

That said, I've split my answer into a number of possible solutions or phases of defense or evasion. Each one has to vary, according to exactly how the zombie attack is playing out. And of course like I said, I'm no expert, so it's very possible that I'll wind up being the real-life version of the guy in the movie that's acting all like he knows his stuff, and then at some point one of the main characters grabs his arm telling him to come on and OH GOD HE'S A ZOMBIE NOW. So if you think you know better, just go ahead and do your thing. Hopefully, I'll see you on the other side.

HIDING

You might think that hiding is the best solution to your problem if you're lucky enough to notice out your window early on that a lot of people walking around yelling for brains and rotting on your front lawn. Well, it could be a pretty good idea, if you're extremely thorough taking care not to reveal your presence. Any hint that you're there, and zombies, although seemingly pretty dumb, will likely take notice. So... don't put out the trash on Sundays just out of habit. Probably draw those blinds and bar your door as quietly as possible. Maybe call in sick that day, too.

Now of course, you have to consider two things when deciding to hide: duration and completeness of zombie takeover of your area. It's going to suck if you have three days' worth of food in your pantry, and the zombie attack lasts six weeks. After all, getting your brain eaten sucks, but starving to death isn't really much fun either. Well, it could be, I've never done it, but it doesn't sound fun. So avoid that; if you don't have the rations for a long haul, then you might be best off trying another survival tactic.

As for the thoroughness of the takeover, you sure as hell don't want to be stuck in town if it's TOTALLY overrun with zombies. At that point, you're sitting there all smug and hidden from them, when BLAMMO, the government comes in and drops a bomb on the city, obliterating the zombie menace and, oh yeah, you, jerk. You've made yourself an "acceptable casualty," congrats. Now you're STILL dead, and on top of it, nobody's going to know you outwitted the hordes of zombies. My advice on this: try to keep an eye on the TV, probably on mute. If you see something about the government deciding to take "decisive action" on the infected area, you may have outstayed your welcome.

GOING ON THE OFFENSIVE

Let's say you're at the supermarket, and ask the bag boy shuffling by how much the peaches are on sale for, and he responds, "Braaaaaaaiiiiiins." Well... that's not quite right. Look around, buddy. You're far from home in the middle of a fully fledged zombie-thon. So what can you do in such hard times?

Why, go on the attack while fighting your way to an escape route, of course! My first thought would be to try to make it back to my car, wherever it may be. Clearly, it's the best way to get away from zombies, since they tend to not be great drivers. Of course, I live in Quincy, Massachusetts, so most of the zombies therefore won't be able to drive unless they somehow learned how in the afterlife.

Kidding, Quincy-ites. Kidding, zombies.

But what if you can't get to your car, you say? Or what if you came with your friend who drives stick, and you never learned how to drive stick? Well... well you didn't learn how to drive stick? Not even a little? Come on, man. Well anyways, you have no car, so you'll REALLY have to fight the zombies. Try to grab anything and everything you can throw at them or use to keep them at bay. The farther you can attack them from, the better, because if you go fisticuffs with a guy that can't feel pain and is undead, he's got an advantage.

Also, it should be noted that you should NOT be staying in one place or fortifying a location if the zombies know where you are. You're just going to attract more and more zombies with your killing spree, and regardless of what your marketing professor told you, there IS such a thing as bad publicity, and that is it. You want to stick and move, stick and move. Don't stay in one location, because you'll only be ganged up on. The more you run away, the better chance you have of finding a nice secluded spot where nobody is trying to eat your head.

Always be on the lookout for something to use as a weapon or as a means of escape. Local police departments or fire brigades, in larger cities, may have a helicopter available. You don't know how to fly one? Learn, asshole. This is not the time to pass up a ride out of town. Anything that's flammable is also pretty useful; some zombies can only be killed with fire or destruction of the brain. So a bottle of hairspray and a match could mean the difference between escaping the city or joining the hordes of undead yourself.

And finally, don't be afraid to hack away at people you knew, socialized with, or loved just a couple hours ago. Gramma might have knitted you a lovely scarf out of wool, but her next project will involve a new material- your intestines, plucked out of your insides and wrapped around your neck. She makes a lovely brain casserole, dearie. So blow that chump's head off- just remember that time she made you clean her damn gutters all afternoon and only gave you a quarter for it.

RUNNING AWAY

So you've decided that you are not, in fact, Rambo, and it's time to get the hell outta Dodge before things get a little too chompy for your liking.

Now, I personally have two ways out: the ocean and the mean streets. I have miles to go before I reach the city limits. On foot that would be a travel of nightmarish proportions, and by car, the narrow streets would likely be totally blocked with bodies and wreckage soon after the genesis of the plague of undead. If you're going anywhere by car, your best shot is to find the largest and widest roads. Narrow streets will only get you caught up. If you're on foot, you may be better off in those narrow streets; the narrower things get, the less likely zombies are to surround you and attack from all sides. Think Spartans from the movie 300, and you'll get the idea. Use narrow passages to take on the brain chompers one at a time, rather than in their preferred Horde Mode.

The truth is that even if I got out of Quincy on foot, the only place I could really get to would be Dorchester, so I'm going to die anyways. I'll stick with the zombies, thanks, they usually don't carry guns or knives. So, time to use the ocean to make my escape.

If you don't have a boat, never fear! If you've ever laughed at jokes about Cubans coming to America on floating doors and makeshift rafts, it's time for karma to make you it's bitch, because that's how you're surviving. Grab anything that MIGHT float- things filled with air are most helpful. Maybe some tires, a door like I'd mentioned earlier, even some floaties if you can find them- don't let dignity get in your way of living through this, it's a long swim.

Speaking of long times at sea, you may also not want to immediately jump out at the first sign of land and kiss the ground; zombie invasions move at the speed of bite, and you may discover that the place you've floated to is also infested with the Corpsey Menace. Out of the Fryer and into the Flesh Eating Infestation of Undead, as the old saying goes. Maybe, if you're lucky enough to have some form of control of your raft, you can skim the shore and look for humans of the non-dead variety before thanking your lucky stars.

If you're being chased by swimming zombies, then boy I don't really know what the hell to tell you. You're pretty screwed, right there. My one suggestion would be to have rope available, lasso the zombies, and then try to get them into the water without the use of their hands or legs. Maybe they'll sink. Really though- I'm out of my league on swimming zombies. I know this is difficult, but TRY to hope that Michael Phelps hasn't been bitten by zombies.

GOING OUT IN A BLAZE OF GLORY

Not much to say on this one. Have some gasoline and see no other way out? Why not light yourself on fire in a crowd of the suckers and start hugging as many as you can! If you do this, try to do it in less of an "I'm insane and have nothing else to do" type way, and in more of a "I'm sacrificing myself for you guys so if you make it out, name shit after me" type way. At least have other people know what you're doing. When they yell at you, "Let's go!", be sure to say, "JUST GO, GET OUTTA HERE!" and make a determined face and nod, before turning around to face the horde.

Also, you'll take more zombies out if you mutter something badass before you blow yourself up with that hand grenade you had on you. A few suggestions:

"See you in HELL!"
"Come on, you sons of bitches; that all you got?!"
"FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

This seems like something you wouldn't have to mention, but it's probably pretty hard to keep that kind of stuff in mind when you know you're about to explode, and then have your remains eaten. You only get one chance at this, so plan ahead and know what you're going to say. If you don't the odds are that you'll end up sounding like this:

"You sons... I'm gonna see your Hell.... aw shit, wait I- "

Granted, nobody is going to hear your flub, but you don't really want the last thing going through your nobly-sacrificed head to be that you screwed up your final words on Earth, do you?

CLOSING COMMENTS

So that's about it, people. Like I said at the beginning of this, I have very little real knowledge of what's going on in the zombie world. All I know is that, given the circumstances, I'm going to follow those rules, unless told otherwise by people who are smarter than me and not zombie spies sent to sabotage me. I guess the only other advice I can give is to play Resident Evil movies, watch Dawn of the Dead, and see any other zombie-related media you can get your hands on. See all of those things that the people who died did? Don't do THOSE things. Do other things. There, solved! And if I get bit, and you see me stumbling toward you... maybe try to just knock me down as opposed to destroying me. After all, I just gave you a lot of great advice, and I probably haven't even gotten to eat many brains yet.

Braaaaaaaaaaiiiiinsss...

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