Stood still, walk away.

Life has been full of difficult choices but the most difficult had to be leaving my husband of 20 years and leaving 3 of my 4 children behind. The marriage had to end, it had been bad for so many years. I had left and returned a number of times with the children and promised myself I would not put them through it again unless it was a 'forever' decision. They were all teens so I gave them the option to come with me to a city an hour away or stay with their father. Only one daughter chose to come with me - that was hard to take but I had to honor their decisions. As teens their friends came first and I knew that was normal.

Eventually they all came back to me, even as adults they lived with me from time to time. And they all acknowledged that they knew I had to get out, they couldn't understand what took me so long or how I stayed as long as I did. I know it was the right choice. Life was tough for a few years but now I have a man in my life who loves and respects me. It was worth it.

We all run into someone in our life that makes a difference; a huge difference in how we see the world and everything in it. I won't name names but I met that person only 3 years ago and though we don't talk or see each other anymore he has forever changed my view of life and people.

I grew up in what I felt was a normal family with a mother, a father, a brother and two sisters. We moved around alot but otherwise my childhood was uneventful. I didn't experience many of the traumas that plague many children, no serious illness or injuries, no abuse or neglect, no divorce. My family traveled back and forth across Canada camping and we lived in a number of different provinces so I felt I had seen alot. We stopped at museums and historical sites along the way so I felt I had been exposed to a bit of culture.

I married and had some kids and we lived a very modest life. We didn't have much money so I didn't get to take my kids on trips like I had been as a child. Divorce followed after 20 years of marriage and then my life started to change. I met different people, dated different men and got to see that there are all kinds of people out there that experienced different things than I had. They led different lives and had a different outlook on the world. But for the most part they weren't that different from me and my view. Until I met him... I'll call him Peter.

Peter was like no one I'd ever met before. He was cultured and educated. He had traveled the world and studied in different countries. He spoke a few languages and was familiar with the culture of many countries. It gave him a different 'aura', that's the only way I can explain it. He treated people differently, with respect and honor even. And he was comfortable in his own skin. He was one of the few men I'd ever met who seemed truly satisfied with himself, he knew he was a good person though he might resist if I tried to tell him he was handsome lol. But he was one of those people who is beautiful on the inside and it shows on the outside.

We traveled together and he was always showing me some new place, someplace he had been that he thought I would enjoy; and I always did. A city with a beautiful historical area, a small village with a gorgeous view, a beach with amazing rocks. And we camped; something I hadn't done in years... and rode bikes, which I also hadn't done in years. He opened me up to things I had forgotten or put aside, things I gave up on and thought I'd never do again.

And he opened up my mind. We learned new things together, he was always happy to see my eagerness to learn something; anything! I was a sponge and he always had an idea. He made it fun because we did it together.

He had a different view of people and relationships also. This is the one area where his influence didn't affect my values. I am old school and very traditional while I'm not sure what the word is for his views on relationships. I just know it was different than mine, not wrong, just different.

All in all knowing him was a good experience and I learned alot and grew alot in the process. It was nice to be pampered by someone who wasn't looking for something in return. It was nice to be with someone who was as curious and eager as I am to learn new things and see new places. He encouraged me and made me feel like I could do it, whatever 'it' was. He helped me learn to look at the world differently; to see a big wide expanse of adventure and opportunity. There is more to the world than what is outside my door and that is where I was stuck until I met Peter.

Thank you Peter - you know who you are.

Spiral Stair

I am very indecisive about my future. I can't decide what to do, what direction to follow and that's mostly because I don't know what I will be capable of physically. Will I get to go back to work? Will I be able to travel? I'd love to own a home again but am I prepared for the upkeep?

The future feels like a big black hole to me and I can't see past today. There are so many questions and uncertainties. In once sense I know what I want but only if 'this', 'this' and 'this' fall into place. I don't have a plan B so I live day to day never planning anything. I don't like this style of living as I like to have a goal to work towards. I dunno, its just hard to make decisions about the future when I don't know what kind of shape I'll be in.

If I knew my health would be better and I'd be able to do normal everyday things my decisions would be different and so much easier.