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- Username: mrtibs
- In response to: "What do you do on the side?" write as often as possible
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- A 100-Word Texas Tall Tale
I love the idea of Texas but I hate the place. I hate the way people look at me when I go there as if I've got two heads or I'm some other species or something. A snake they would show more respect. A coyote they'd show more love to.
The way they look at me it’s as if they've never seen anything like me, like I'm from another part of the world they would never even think of visiting.
Like the North Pole or something. I’m something weird like a Gnarwhal or a Manatee.
They have this look, kind of a mixture between disgust and envy.
Fuck you, I think, so I've got a Mohican.
- The Mayor, the hat man and his wife
‘Let’s get this straight, you think you’re wife here should have my job?’ said the Mayor.
‘Yeah I do,’ said the man with the hat. ‘Thing is, she may not look it, but she’s a dynamo.’
‘D’you mind not talking about me as if I wasn’t here,’ said the wife of the man with the hat.
‘See, I told ya,’ said the hat man.
‘I’m sorry,’ said the Mayor. ‘I’m just taken aback here. I feel insulted to be honest with you.’
‘Insulted?’ said the hat man.
‘Insulted?’ said the hat man’s wife.
‘Why ?’ said the hat man’s wife.
‘Well come on. I mean, here I am trying to be nice. I’m walking around, chatting with people, trying to find out what they want...’
‘Well, yeah but...’ said the hat man’s wife.
‘I’ve only been in the job for 5 days...’
‘I know but...’ said the hat man’s wife.
‘And this schmuck...’
‘Hey!’ said the hat man.
‘How dare you!’ said the hat man’s wife.
‘I don’t think he meant anything by that,’ said the Mayor’s aide.
‘Didn’t mean anything,’ said the hat man’s wife.
‘Just be a man,’ said the hat man.
‘Be a man? Be a goddamn man!’ said the Mayor.
‘I’m glad I didn’t vote for you...’ said the hat man’s wife.
‘Well, thank you but I didn’t need your vote and frankly...’
‘If anyone’s a schmuck...’ said the hat man brandishing his umbrella.
‘Sir, move away,’ said the Mayor’s security man grasping the umbrella.
‘You make me wanna puke,’ said the hat man’s wife. ‘Come on dear, we didn’t come here to be insulted. ‘
- Huge left hand
There was this little guy, with a huge left hand. Most of his life he'd made every effort to keep it hidden. Oversized left pockets in all his trousers played a significant role.
He was actually left handed so it led to considerable difficulties. At school or in any public place he used his right hand, so his writing was appalling and he had to avoid any kind of manual work, like carpentry for fear of injuring himself.
His parents helped him to hide, supplying regular notes and excuses on demand. His Dad had a giant left ear and his Mum a tiny left thumb, so they knew what he was going through.
When he was 25 he left home and moved into his own little flat. That day, he decided to come out. He waved that hand around like a huge shovel wherever he went. He always wrote with it in public and he discovered that if he ever got any backchat or abuse from the neighbourhood kids, he could muster an almighty cuff round the ear.
Within a year he had his first girlfriend, an enormous breasted woman with buttocks the size of beach balls. They lived a happy life together.
- Please don't tell anoyne about my pet Peeve
Peeve is a small furry animal I found when holidaying in Outer Mongolia. I keep meaning to have him checked, to find out what he is, but but I'm afraid that if I do , someone will tell me I'm not allowed to keep Peeve - I did kind of smuggle him out of the country.
I had to put him in my underwear to make sure the customs didn't find him. He seemed quite at home there.
Please dont tell anyone about Peeve.