Stood still, walk away.

I found out the hard way that it does not pay to ask for help. Unless you can pay up, nobody is interested in helping you. That statement that 'nobody can help you unless you ask for it' is a bunch of hooey. After the heartbreaking indifference I encountered when I tried to get help for me and my critically ill mother (who is now dead), I will never ask another living soul for help again. It's all about greasing palms, lining pockets and the 'you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours' ultimatum. There is no such thing as people helping other people just for the greater good anymore. Such philanthropy no longer exists. Don't kid yourself. You are on your own.

Well...the very first thing that is imminent is losing the family home to foreclosure. My mother died last April. The house is in her name. She had no life insurance. Even if I could make the mortgage payments, the property taxes are astronomical for a person my age in this area. The loss of this house is unavoidable. I will be walking away from a myriad of irreplaceable family treasures and possessions.

After getting over the trauma of this experience, I am hoping that 2012 will be a year of healing and golden opportunities for me.

I will try to let go of the resentment I have towards the people that are going to benefit mightily from my family's misfortune, as strangers will gleefully scavenge and pillage everything my family has worked so hard for over the years as it is dumped out by the roadside.

I cannot take 40 years worth of possessions to a small apartment.

Ain't happening.

I still have to find a place to live that I can afford. I may very well be homeless for a good while.

I'm trying to be an adult about this. After all, I am not the only one this is happening to, and I will not be the last. My family had years to go through and sort the junk from the treasures, but to them, an empty cardboard box that 'could be useful someday' was a treasure. My mom wanted me to have her good china. I will not be able to find it all in time, as the set was not kept together.

I have got to stop punishing myself for the rest of my family's irresponsibility. Four people lived in this house. Four people were responsible for dealing with these issues before it got to this point. Only one was willing to throw out the actual garbage and get rid of things that weren't being used. Me. Now it is too late. Irreplaceable family heirlooms and treasures will be lost forever.

I guess 2012 will be the year that teaches me how to let go. How to let go of my possessions. How to let go of my past. How to let go of my loved ones. How to let go of my bitterness. How to let go of my fears. They will be pried out of my clutching fists and ripped away from me in agony and protest.

I do not know what is to become of me once all is lost. My life will be wiped as clean as a slate.

What's going to be different this year? God only knows. My life as I knew it up to this point is about to end for good. I have no choice but to try to find the strength to begin again.

torn paper art

It is very difficult to say. I only have one brother. He brought a lot of drama and trouble to our family, especially when he got messed up with alcohol and drugs. The company he kept was often undesirable. It caused a lot of tension in our home. My dad had a hair-trigger temper anyway. I sincerely doubt that the atmosphere would have been much different if my brother hadn't been in the picture. That being said, there would have been a lot less added horrors to my life if I had been an only child. My brother was a constant intimidating and fearful presence. I learned early on not to trust him. I forgave him far too many times for things I never should have in regards to me. I honestly could have done without him in my life. Sad but true.