Library

The last time I entered I library, I sneaked in. I borrowed my friend's Student ID card to enter the Northumbria University library, and access their vast collection of knowledge, even though I know I should really pay £9,000 for such a privilege. Knowledge is pricey these days.

Swearing is neither big nor clever, but it's a whole fucking world of fun. It mainly works in the same way as politically incorrect jokes; I.e. It shocks the listener into one of two responses: revulsion or laughter.

Here's a few of my favourite swear based jokes:

"Jam a bastard in it, you crap," Mom, Futurama

Sooz: "Dont do anything I wouldn't do, Lindy"
Linda: "Well that don't leave much, you filthy whore!"
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme

Princess Leah: "I love you"
Han Solo: "Fuck off"
Something, Something, Something...Dark Side

"Dont offer me that gnats piss, you spastic little poofter!" Alan Clarke declining a cheap bottle of wine, Private Eye

They just fit so well together.

Black Coffee Breakfast

"The Italian students used to do that all the time - they'd come in and drink espresso and smoke, like, a million cigarettes"

This is a quote I remember from my (extremely short) time working in a major coffee chain in the UK. It's true, when we hedonists drink coffee we HAVE to smoke too, they just fit so well together. There's an entire film named after them.

Unfortunately in the UK this indulgent little dual-vice is semi-illegal thanks to the smoking ban. Even before it was banned by the government Starbucks discouraged smoking because it "affected the great taste of our coffee." This is bullshit because (a) Starbucks coffee tastes like crap and (b) smoking and coffee were made from each other.

I get the feeling that major coffee chains in the UK are aimed at those weird creatures I never associate with - healthy people with good jobs who eat yogurt for breakfasts and never fart. This is opposed to me who never crawls out of bed before 9.30am and needs the harsh, earthy aroma of black coffee and a fat spliff before I can even face the day.

From a health point of view this isn't the best vice to have, although not as bad as, say, meth (and yet I've known some pretty hot meth-heads). The coffee isn't too bad - caffeine is a bit nasty but, in fact, long term studies in Europe show people who drink several cups of tea or coffee a day actually reduce their risk of heart disease. Coffee is also full of yummy anti-cancerous anti-oxidants.

This is, of course, canceled out by the horrific health effects of tobacco, which is carcinogenic. It also will kill your heart, rape your lungs and commit war crimes against your skin. I have no idea how after 6 years of smoking I still look 18 years old. Something to do with veganism maybe.

So it would be best if I just stuck with the coffee, but then I'd have to sink into that awful world of the yogurt-eating, rose-wine drinking, Gray's Anatomy-watching, anal retentive zombies. No thank you.